Its all about ME!

Last night Stan just settled down to some microwaved leftovers and a beer while wifey was watching TV. I defer to the wife on TV during the weekdays and she lets me have at it during the weekend. Since football season is coming up I'm not going to make a fuss of it.

Anyways, WE (t.v. for womyn!) and 20/20 was showing a special on "open adoptions," hosted by none other than Babwa Wawa. Horrible symmetry. For those of you too lazy to click through, an "open adoption" is where the birth mother stays in contact with the adoptive parents. This "special" is actually a reality show, where five couples compete (yes, compete) for a baby, soon to be squeezed out by a fecund 16 year old whose high school boyfriend plowed her in the backseat of his Chevy Cavalier. Obviously this is controversial, and true to form, critics and supporters both have their say about it. But this idiot carnival actually illustrates something far more insidious than a pervasive reality show culture where people feel the need to display their most private, intimate affairs.

The "winners" with their "prize." Nice eyebrows dad. Or should I say Mr. Smalley...

This show is an almost perfect indictment of our own insipid, narcissistic culture. Everything is about me. I am the measure of all things. I need a new pair of shoes, a car, a house, or even a baby. We take out subprime loans and amass credit card debt because we deserve to be instantly gratified. Even the title of the show plays into it... "A Child is Waiting"- waiting for YOU! Don't let them wait any longer! To wit- when one of the families got eliminated there were some tears, but they vanished when the producers jumped in with a consolation baby, dutifully snapped up by the couple.

But narcissism isn't really about instant gratification, its about you. These families want a kid, great. Adoption? Even better... a true selfless act in a sea of selfishness. But an "open adoption?" They want one because it sounds so progressive and they can brag to their upper-class friends about how they have "invested" the lower class birth mother in raising the child. And of course, there is a whole industry built up around providing these open adoptions so lets jump right in. Oh, but please make some room for the cameras.

Caught up in all the fuss about "God's blessing" and the treacly "miracle" of adoption bullshit is that noone really gives a fuck about the kid. Sure the parents understand the whole open adoption procedure, and have read enough on the internet and met with self described counselors so that they are experts. But picture this kid, puttering along fine until about his twelfth birthday or so when he suddenly realizes something is not quite right. Mindfuck time. Why did my birth mother (who he knows as "Pam") leave me? Why didn't she care enough about me to raise me as her son? What did I do wrong? And what the hell is my relationship supposed to be with these two adults who have raised me? Shit sandwich, son. Take a bite. It will be a minor miracle if this kid isn't a sociopath. This is why adoptive children don't know their birth parents until they are emotionally and mentally capable of understanding the dynamics. Even then, its gotta be wrenching as hell to experience all of the emotions.

But who cares about that? To the mom, and the adoptive family, and Babwa Wawa, its all love and happiness and unicorns farting rainbows. Why are they so cavalier? Because to them the child is not a person, with feelings, hes just a fashion accessory, an accoutrement. Hes the living equivalent of a wholefoods tote bag, advertising that whoever carries one is not only socially conscious and progressive, they are waaaaay fucking cooler than you. And both of you know it. In many ways its not really surprising that a child is the next step in this arms race, but deep down I'd like to think we can muster enough outrage to subject these monsters to their deserved amount of ridicule.

reunion tour

wasting time

We dudes have an email chain. Im cleaning out my inbox right now and passing alot of the stupid bullshit we talk about every day. Here are some of the best subject lines of the past 5 or so years:

campin', fishin', drinkin', lovin
man-plans
gym short cassanova
what is...things you do to your wife while shes sleeping!
lying to women
nice shorts, dick
ball shadow
India, you assholes
cowboys are my weakness (wtf???)
beard helmet
stinkeye monopoly
club med Karachi
How Isiah Thomas is like Robert Mugabe
Thrustday
Spritz!
Meat Pie Mums
Regurgitating Gordon Wood
Good Luck in the Woods
Sweatshops: Another Day, Another Dollar
Crucial Retard Demographic
Longitudes and Platitudes
Saturday Night's Alright
Dottie Pepper
Happy go-pukey
pillowsnake
dirtnuggistan
Werewolf is Boys Naked
paranoid mandroid

DC mutual masturbation society

Exhibit 10 billion of why I hate DC. Sitting through lunch with one of these self-important assholes would be more like a punishment than a prize. Pass the gin, Dougie.

ummm, what?

OK. My friend and I recently saw this license plate. I know the first thing I thought when I looked at it, he thought the same. So has everyone else to whom I have shown this picture. Now the question for you is, what does this mean? And if it means something other than what everyone thinks it must mean, well, why put it on your license plate in the first place?

The Soft Bigotry of Low Expectations

The current education system is a mess. We have 51 different systems of standards, 51 different systems of accountability, 51 different systems for collecting and analyzing data, we even have 51 different ways of certifying teachers. For 21st century society we are rooted in the 19th century...may as well make the secretary of education start using a horse to travel around the country.

The worst part of this problem is that everyone, regardless of their background or expertise, has an opinion on how to fix it. Perhaps the one area that President Bush could point to as a success in his administration is the passage and implementation of No Child Left Behind. For the first time the federal government stepped in and put teeth behind the movement to equalize the education of every child in America. Long have the feds pushed states to implement standards and curriculum for all subjects and grade levels, however states have dragged their feet. It got to the point that for us to be serious about changing the system a system of rewards and punishments needed to be instituted. Now there are a lot of things wrong with the law and unfortunately the President cannot hang his hat on the implementation because certain folks in the administration screwed things up (see Reading First). But the basic goals are right and if you don't start somewhere then when/where do you start?

One of the biggest criticisms of the law centers on the requirement that all students be tested in reading, math, and science in grades 3-8 and once in high school. The results of the reading and math scores are used to gauge whether schools and districts are adequately educating all of their students. Surprise! Not all schools are doing a good job! As a result we have folks blaming everything from the funding levels to the tests to George Bush for their problems. On this last point identify the two older gentlemen in the background of this picture and get back to me on Bush and the Republicans being at fault for the writing and passage of NCLB.
So, how do we fix the problem? We can start by not putting the blame for failing schools on others! Teachers, principals, superintendents, teacher prep programs, etc need to look in the mirror and decide what they are in control of. The students are not the problem in this equation. It is the adults-worrying more about their job security than educating children-that are holding us back. NCLB is not the problem in America's classrooms. The problems are unprepared teachers, under-funded facilities, culture wars, poor research quality, etc. The next incarnation of NCLB needs to do a better job of addressing these issues but for now local districts and states need to make more of an investment in the classroom and not hide behind federal law.

welcome, dimwits- part II.

Its on now. Looks like someone kicked over the garbage can where the flat earthers and other idiots coexist peacefully alongside the pizza crusts, beer cans, tissues, and used condoms. Now they're spilling out across the pavement and boy are they pissed! Must be something serious...

LIKE THIS!


Maybe you don't see. Well look closer. closer. OMFG RACHAEL RAY IS WEARING A KEFFIYEH!!!!! SHE IS A JIHADIST!!!!!

Oh man this is one train of logic where its just too good to pull the brake lever. Here's a story for you. If the ur-idiot is wearing one, and ceteris paribus she is a jihadist, so are most members of the U.S. special forces who have operated in Afghanistan. If they're jihadists, then we're fucked. In the words of Turkish, proper fucked.


This freedom-loathing meme has even found its way into toys! Idiot brigade, mount up! You've a jihad to do!

hollywood, stfu

Everyone hold your applause. Like MacArthur's promise at Corregidor I return to this bitch. And true to form I'm going to blog about politics, but not about the presidential race. Soon you will get the Orlando Magic offseason preview/draft prospectus but right now I'm going to make some dipshit Hollywood types bite the curb.

One of my biggest pet peeves is someone who jams a political message down your throat from a position where they have no business doing this. I could digress into a long post on this subject a la the Vocation Lectures, but I wont. Thank me later. And though in my experience its mainly liberals who do this (think of your college professors), conservatives do it too. Its basically a false pretenses argument- you have to go to class to learn about history, but your professor takes the opportunity to give a captive audience their political views. More egregious is the entertainment industry. You sit down to watch a movie, and you have to put up with a caricatured, stilted view of reality that reflects the political and ideological predilections of its creator(s).

At bottom this is about vanity- people become so convinced of their own importance (because they make good movies) that they feel the need to use this newfound authority to "speak out." To take a particularly pitiful example, think of Robert Redford. The man knows his way around a film. But when he moves over into the producer or director's chair because hes got some societal or political ill he wants to address, very quickly he finds out that the audience generally doesn't share his view of the world. This is America, we want to see car crashes, shoot-outs, explosions, tits, and shiny things (not necessarily in that order). We dont want to have to sit through two hours of hectoring and brow-beating by some narcissistic, solipsistic ass. Fuck.

Which brings me to what started this whole bitch session. Last night I watched The Andromeda Strain on A&E. Not that one, this one. I was pumped because dudes generally like movies about infections, but man was this one bad. The production values and all were ok, not great but ok. The CGI was shit, which was surprising for a project produced by Ridley Scott. There is also a painfully obvious 28 Days Later rip off, but you will have to sit through this mess to see that one. On the good side, one guy cuts his own head off with a chainsaw which was pretty rad.

But worst of all, the creators were so far up their own asses that they didnt see what a joke their project was becoming. They were so intent on creating a false (not to mention insultingly stupid) dichotomy between liberals=good/conservatives=bad that they fucked up a very promising project. Look. You've got an organism that kills within seconds. Its bad enough. You dont need to puff it up with bullshit subplots about government malfeasance, enviromental degredation and destruction, and corporate 'ner do welling. The novel was so good because everything political was ultra subtle and very ambiguous. In this miniseries, it was about as subtle as kick to the tailbone.

In the first half an hour they trotted out these predictable and trite cliches:

1. A Republican Administration is in charge. Why bother with actually doing any of the heavy lifting of writing, character development, etc... when you can just use your sure shorthand for incompetence and evil?

2. The sinister defense secretary is a conscious mix of Rumsfeld and Cheney. The perfect villian willing to do everything necessary to protect Andromeda, even lie to the President. There are scattered references to other biological disasters, e.g. "you remember Houston, don't you?" that apparently occurred under his stewardship. Thanks for spelling that out. We now know that he is a win-at-all-costs, bottom line type of guy with extreme, unchecked power and no conscience.

3. The NSA is recording everyone's phone conversations, tracking people down, and executing them. The idea of a rouge intelligence agency secretly controlling everything? Well, at least no one can say you're not original.

4. The President is currently trying to drill for minerals near undersea vents over the objections of environmentalists. Also, the company that is doing the drilling has some financial relationship with the president. I don't remember the exact name of the company (it was on screen for about 3 seconds) but i do remember it rhymed with Halliburton. Seriously.

5. The microbiology team assembled to combat the virus. In the book, it was all white men. OK, it was 1969, perhaps thats a little dated, if reflective of the time. But in 2007 the team is comfortably multicultural/multiracial/gender inclusive- a Hispanic man, a white woman, an Asian man, a black woman, and a gay white man (which actually is an interesting riff on the Odd Man Hypothesis). It looked like a goddamn Volkswagen commercial.

Keep in mind, all this occurred in the FIRST HALF HOUR of a four-hour miniseries. As it goes on you can see some more. Look, someone has to be the bad guy and, given how they've run the country into the ground over the past 8 years it might as well be the Republicans. But having this constantly and crudely shoved down your throat really ruins what could have been a really interesting remake.

The price is wrong, bitch.

So the Post today has an article about former White House Press Secretary Scott McLellan's recently released memoirs that lambaste Bush for manipulating the public to justify an unnecessary war in Iraq. I'm going to skip the "no shit, Sherlock" part of the blog (since this is kind of like a weather man telling me rain is wet) and go off on a tangent about people treating their so-called moral high ground as a stock that you sell when the price is highest.

So McLellan supposedly observes and mentally registers all of these perverse political machinations that the Bush administration underwent to justify the White House's war and cover their asses over the Valerie Plame debaucle. But he doesn't say or do shit about it while he is in the institution; he keeps his mouth shut (which, ironically, seems to be the best skill of a White House Press Secretary). He gets his cred, retires in a teary-eyed ceremony on the South Lawn, and becomes a civilian again. Then the tide turns and criticisms of the administration are no longer just left wing rhetoric but a widespread discontent that reaches across the aisles of the Capitol. And low and behold, look who has a memoir talking about how sly and manipulative the Bush administration really is.

I'm not saying McLellan could have singlehandedly whistleblown all of the bullshit that was going on. I understand that hindsight is 20/20, and that as Press Secretary you're in a delicate position to criticize. But if you just sit on these observations until the time is right to make a buck and look like a guy who wasn't part of the problem, you're pretty much a smelly sack of shit. If you didn't think this was important enough to act on at the time it was happening, why do you suddenly feel the need to write memoirs that exposes everything now? Because you've made the tough but correct decision of revealing the truth? Bullshit, because you can cash in on it.

As much as I respect the man, Alan Greenspan did the same thing this last year when he released The Age of Turbulence and handed Bush's ass to him on how his fiscal conservatism was anything but. Chairman of the Fed is widely known to be the most powerful man in the world; something tells me Greenspan could have made a stronger play than sitting on his wrinkled old hands until the time came to retire and he needed some juicy material for his new book. I think Colin Powell, to a lesser extent, did the same thing. And anybody who has read "Confessions of An Economic Hitman" (sidestepping for a second the argument about its veracity) will see the same thing; a guy who spent an entire successful career harming poor nations in the name of development who manages to keep at it until he's made enough cash, at which point he turns his "lifelong moral dilemma" into a bestseller and goes to sleep on a bed of cash.

So in conclusion.........man, fuck that.

$4 Oil. Go, go, go!

I didn't used to be a cynic. I had a roommate once who said he "hated people," but I couldn't believe it. How could he think that?

Fast forward ten years to the dregs of my late twenties. I have become a grumpy old man. Which brings us to my new favorite sport: rooting for the price of gas to hit $4.

Maybe there's a sort of bandwagon phenomenon here -- if everyone knows that one team is going to win, why not join? A gallon of gas is going to hit $4 whether I like it or not -- might as well root it on.

Now this might not be as funny if Helen and I didn't have too much money, or had long commutes, or two cars. We have one car that we don't drive that often. So while I notice the price of oil -- it used to take $19 to fill 'er up, now it takes $36 -- it doesn't really affect me. It's a pizza. No biggie.

But I love to watch people freak out about the price of oil. Most of those freaking out don't need to worry about anything -- the real people in a crunch are figuring out solutions: drive less, second job, no vacation. That sucks, no doubt.

All I'm saying is, we can dread the future, or we can embrace it. When they talk of Homer and $4 gas, they'll say, "He finally loved Big Brother."

Obama: Christian.

Maybe it's the Muslim-rumor emails. Maybe it's the speeches. But no other Democrat could put out a mailer like this without getting laughed at. In fact, it'd be hard for a Republican to put something this overt out.

With Barack, it just seems so natural...

Vatican: Keep the Faith in Aliens

My faith is so open-minded! What an awesome statement.

dudes on a plane

So Stan spent yesterday evening on a plane returning from a wedding in Florida. As you may know, there has been some pretty rough weather in the area. And last night we had to fly right through it. It was especially fun given the 44 oz. of beer I drank in the airport bar watching the last few holes of the Player's Championship.

But this time was a little hairier than most. Descending through the clouds and rain at about 5,000 feet a bolt of lightning struck the plane. Everything flashed red then there was a huge boom immediately following. It was startling, but not that scary really. You're flying a gigantic tube of metal through the middle of a thunderstorm. Its probably going to get hit by lighting, and you can expect that the designers foresaw this and made accommodations. I will panic if I hear "Folks, this is your Captain speaking. Look, uhm, light 'em up, 'cause we're going down, okay. I got a carton of Camels non-filters, I'll see you on the ground. Take it easy."

But some of Stan's fellow passengers promptly lost their shit. One lady immediately yelled out "FIRE!" (wtf?) A few others screamed, and the lady next to me was breathing like Rosie O'Donnell after the 100 yard dash. Then when we got on the ground everyone was thanking god we made it out alive.

Dude Movie Reviews: Iron Man

Helen and I saw Iron Man last night. It was awesome. Really awesome. I would even venture to say the best Marvel Comics movie to date. Better than X-Men 2. Instead of the Spider-Man paradigm (let's have whiny teenagers argue) it revolves around the main character being awesome all the time...mixed in with conflicts over the root of his awesomeness. Another key point to its success is having Jon Faveau as its director...there's definitely a bit of Swingers in there -- which could have turned out obnoxiously, but it weaves in perfectly. Highly recommended.

We also saw The Forbidden Kingdom in the theater yesterday...decent; worth seeing if you happen upon it.

Also, per last night's previews, Infected fans might want to keep their eye on The Andromeda Strain coming out on television later this month...

Bloggers vs MSM

So, I'm catching up on events of the world from the past couple of weeks and came across the Costas Now segment with Buzz Bissinger and Will Leitch. Let me begin by saying that Bissinger is one of my favorite writers...Friday Night Lights is one of the most brilliant sports books I have ever read, but in this situation I am completely turned off by him. From the very beginning you can feel the tension on the set (it does not help that Costas hates blogs as well)...his body language and facial expressions give off an absolute disdain for the person sitting next to him, and it is not Braylon Edwards--speaking of Edwards who did he end up on this segment. Why not get an athlete for actually blogs and get a view point that straddles both view points?

This debate between blogs and MSM, especially in sports, is completely fruitless. They are two completely different beasts. Blogs are not a replacement for the news I get from ESPN, WaPo, or SI...it is supplement. Just like Andrew Sullivan and Daily Kos don't replace the NewsHour or NY Times. Why all of the hostility? To keep pointing to the fringe blogs (such as this one) as why blogs are awful is wrong on a couple of levels. 1) No one reads this blog outside of 7 people, so if a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound?; 2) we are simply putting out our opinions, which we are allowed to do, and if no one wants to read it (which they don't) then they won't read it (hence a readership of 7); 3) you are minimizing the great writing that happens on other blogs such as Deadspin and DC Sport Bog; 4) you are doing an even greater disservice to the profession of sports writing by playing the schoolyard bully role.

So Buzz, chill out! Everything will be okay. Take comfort in the fact that the market for great sports writing is not going anywhere. You are not the last of a dying breed...I promise.

One more note...I thought Leitch did a great job considering this is about the same as going on O'Reilly, seriously Bussinger and Costas were completely dicks.

UPDATE: If you can't find the humor in KSK does that mean you don't have a sense of humor? Probably not, but it begs the question of whether you are taking yourself, and sports, too seriously.

Just so we are clear

I'm am winning the big, swing states that matter, uneducated whites who matter, and old women who matter.* That is why I'm still in this race.


*The majority of states don't matter, the popular vote doesn't matter, the number of delegates doesn't matter, energizing the democratic base of young people and blacks doesn't matter, etc.

Policy over Politics

Enough said...

two severely broken cankles

so Hillary, you like symbolism? So I guess if the filly in the derby breaks down and has to be put out of her misery after losing to Big Brown, then that means...

The Infected and Finals

While on the plane last night I was trying to think of a good way to describe the overwhelmed feeling that I have at the moment trying to get through finals and work and other life commitments. Basically I have one more week and then it will be all over but next Friday afternoon feels like it is a year away.

Anyway, the first scenario that came into my head was a comparison between my current state and running from the infected. In an odd way it kind of makes sense. If you were actually running from the infected no doubt you would be scared shitless trying to think 5 steps ahead of a way to get out of the situation and the entire time you know that the end is near (good or bad). Obviously, I don't have the same literal feelings as if I were being chased by the infected but it is the closest I could think of...

Heard on Dude Weekend

"When I find myself laughing at How I Met Your Mother, I worry that I'm losing my cynical edge."

Stan Wolansky, 2007

The world, that understandable and lawful world, was slipping away.

File this one under good in theory... Ron Paul compounds. "The goal of Paulville.org it [sic] to establish gated communities containing 100% Ron Paul supporters and or people that live by the ideals of freedom and liberty."

How long until this becomes the adult version of Lord of the Flies?

"Oh shit, help! my house is on fire!"
"Sorry Stan, you decided not to pay the fire department tax."

via triumph of bullshit

Dude Movie Reviews: No Country

Here's a new exciting stream that could mimic the popularity of my last stream, Dude Dining. I finally saw No Country For Old Men this weekend. I have to say, I didn't really enjoy watching it. Kind of gory. But, I didn't hate the ending like everyone told me I would.

But the more distance that grows between me and that Netflix envelope, the more I start to like it. I start to think about the complexity of the three characters and how they interact and what they represent.

So really I just don't know what to think. Now aren't you happy you spent time reading this post?

Draft Recap

Because no one else seems to give a shit about writing on this blog, let me give some post-draft thoughts on the Jags now that the dust has settled. By the way- the Jacksonville Times-Union absolutely sucks when it comes to covering the Jags. Seriously. I bet no other hometown paper does worse.

FIRST ROUND

The Jags traded their first round pick (#26), both third-round picks (#71 and #89) and their fourth round pick (#125) to go to #8 overall, where they selected Florida defensive end Derrick Harvey.

I'm not completely sold on this pick. Harvey is a very good defensive end, and can rush the passer, but he was not worth the eighth pick. Look at it this way- if the Jags could have traded to get Jason Taylor, who could be counted on to give them a better '08 and '09 season- Taylor or Harvey? No contest there, plus the Jags could have held on to their third and fourth round picks.

As a counterpoint, the invaluable (but obviously biased) Jaguars page at Scout.com actually has a pretty interesting analysis arguing that the Jaguars made out like bandits with this trade, based on the points system teams use to evaluate trades. They also make a fairly good case that beyond #8 was actually where Harvey might go.

SECOND ROUND

The Jags traded picks with Tampa Bay to move up and get Auburn defensive end Quentin Groves with the 52nd overall pick. Groves is a pass-rushing machine, though he has a lingering foot injury and reportedly some motivational problems. This is more of a high risk-high reward type of pick, and I am fine with it especially since the Jags essentially backed up their first round pick with this one. One of the two will likely work out. Interestingly, the MVN website picked Groves to go to the Jags at their original #26 pick in their mock draft.

FIFTH ROUND

USC Linebacker Thomas Williams. A little home cooking here as Jags coach/ porn enthusiast Jack Del Rio also played linebacker at USC. But Williams is a good pick in the fifth round. He was hidden behind some real talent in the USC linebacking corps so he did not see much playing time, but perhaps with a few seasons of coaching he could make an impact. Could also see some action on special teams.

South Florida CB Trae Williams. Another good pickup. Much of the attention rightly goes to his teammate CB Mike Jenkins, but Williams has shown some consistent ball-hawk abilities (16 career interceptions) and is perfect for the Jags, who need some help in the defensive backfield. Williams projects as playing in a nickel or dime package. With the Jags starters at cornerback being the very good Rashean Mathis and the serviceable, newly-acquired Drayton Florence (who Stan thinks he played against in high school, seriously), and the rangy Reggie Nelson perhaps it wont be so easy for laserrocketarm to carve up the Jags for the next few years.

SEVENTH ROUND

USC running back Chauncey Washington. Honestly there is not much you could hope for in the seventh round, but I love this pick. Not only does it play right into my strategy of drafting running backs late, but if he gets his head right Washington seems like the type of player who could eventually make an impact. The Jags are a good fit for him- Fred Taylor is getting up there, and Maurice Jones Drew really cannot be an every-down back. Washington has the size and strength to be a primary back (if it ever gets to that point), and will be competitive with the Jags other backups and could get a roster spot. I seem to remember Mel Kiper arguing on Sportscenter that Washington was the most underrated player in the draft, for what its worth.

UNDRAFTED FREE AGENTS

Of note here is QB Paul Smith, who might make the team as a scout team/ 3rd QB; CB Brian Witherspoon who reportedly (video) posted a 4.16 40 time, though it was a little slower in his pro day workout (can't teach speed!); and WR Clyde Edwards who stands a good shot at making the team because the Jags wideouts generally suck.

OVERALL

There is something to be said about the Jags knowing what they need, primarily pass rushing from the ends and secondarily help in the defensive backfield, and then going out and doing it. The number of picks they gave up to get Harvey does hurt, because the Jags have always been good at finding guys in later rounds who can make the team. However, because of that very fact there really aren't that many roster spots where someone is guaranteed to fill in immediately. Jags GM James "Shack" Harris said as much when he told Scout.com "With our roster, we're not sure they [third-round picks] could make the team." Given that, the Jags did a good job of filling their immediate needs, then cherry-picking players in the latest round who they thought could possibly compete for a spot.

Of course we don't like to think this way, but there might be some marketing sentiment here as well. Harvey played at nearby UF, and the Jags have been active in drafting UF players in the past. Keeping this going might help put some butts in the seats and boost Jacksonville's chronically bad turnout. A little of the same with Groves as well- Auburn is close to Jacksonville, not to mention in the SEC.

Here's what people who do this for a living thought

Sports Illustrated:

• Dr. Z (who has made a career out of getting shit wrong) thinks the Jags overreached.
• Tony Pauline thinks the Jags overreached for Harvey but got a steal with Groves in the second round.
• Michael Lombardi thinks the Jags closed the gap on the Colts
• Peter King also seems pleased with the Jags draft, but is sad nobody drafted Brett Favre :(
  

ESPN:

• Draft guru Mel Kiper gives the Jags a C-, noting that they should have traded for Jason Taylor. Hmmm...I wonder where he got that idea.
• Todd McShay is also down (video) on the Jags

Others:

• Pete Prisco at the underrated CBS Sportsline believes the Jags did the right thing to trade up for Harvey, but reached on Groves for an overall B-. The exact opposite of Pauline at SI.
• Larry Weisman at USA Today gives the Jags a B, although he cant find a bad word to say about the choices. Imagine that. USA Today being uncontroversial.
  
• Brendan Sonnone at MVN is a little disappointed in the Jag's day 1 selections.
• Clifton Brown at The Sporting News gives the Jags a C, noting that both Harvey and Groves had consistency issues in college.
• Jason Cole at Yahoo Sports gives the Jags a C+, also noting that Jason Taylor would have been a better option.
• Vinnie Iver at The Sporting News also gives a good review of every round here.

Reactions from Jacksonville fans here and here

Draft Time! Go Jags Go!

*why does his head look so small?

No more about the running backs, but I reserve the right to throw a tantrum when some idiot GM gets caught up in the hype and throws a wad of millions at Darren McFadden. This is about the Jacksonville Jaguars, my dear team.

This year the Jags pick at #26, near the bottom of the first round. They need to shore up their defensive front. This is only more pressing after the offseason trade of Marcus Stroud, who along with John Henderson formed the most intimidating defensive tackle duo in football. But it doesnt take Emmitt Smith to tell you the Jag's problem is with the pass rush. Anyone who watched the AFC semis last year versus the Pats remembers Brady hanging a pedestrian %92.9 completion percentage (thats probably higher than the Jag's handoff completion percentage) on the board and walking off the field without a speck of dirt on his uniform. Playing in a division with laserrocketarm further underscores the need to bolster the pass rush.

On that note, some have speculated about the Jags trying to get Clemson DE Philip Merling who is talented, but somewhat of a question mark as he is coming off hernia surgery as well as being more of a project than an immediately ready-to-contribute guy. Other names have floated around, including a few half-hearted suggestions that the Jags try and move up to grab some of the premier guys like Chris Long or Vernon Gholston. Thats not gonna happen.

Instead, the Jags should trade for Miami DE and six-time pro bowler (and 2006 defensive player of the year) Jason Taylor. Not only are the Dolphins shopping Taylor for a reported first round pick, the Dolphins also want to move up into the end of the first round to get QB Chad Henne, the college teammate of their first overall selection OT Jake Long. Henne will be there at the Jags #26 pick. Its true Taylor is getting up there, but he can still give the Jags 3 good years. Not to mention he gets to play on a contender and mentor the exciting crop of youngsters the Jags are developing on the defensive side of the ball. The Jags have always drafted well in the later rounds, especially when they go defense, so odds are they will be able to get some good prospects later in the draft, maybe Marcus Dixon from Hampton (good choice especially with his college teammate Justin Durant coming into his second year with the Jags).

Over to you, Del Rio. Pull up the mesh shorts, stop watching Bubble Butt Bonanza, and get this done!

clinton is nixon...nixon is clinton?

The Horror. I agree with Marty Peretz...guhhhh...a shower and apricot scrub may not even be enough to purge this grimy feeling.

There definitely are paralells here, between Clinton and Nixon. Both are deeply unhappy, secretive, defensive, and vengeful. They are dour people with really distasteful traits. Yet at the same time are always looking for affirmation and a chance to prove to people that once you get to know them, they are really nice people. Witness Hillary instructing some of her canvassers: "Oh, just knock on the door and say, ‘She is really nice,’ ” Mrs. Clinton said. “Or you could say, ‘She is not as bad as you think.’" The problem, of course, is that their character flaws usually intrude on anyone actually wanting to invest the time and energy to get to know them.

Hillary, please go away

Part I

I used to think that the "dream" ticket of Barack/Hillary was never going to happen. I used to give it 2% odds. But the longer this goes on, the more it creeps up. I'd say now we're at a solid 10%. Still unlikely, but too likely to make me nervous.

Part II

Hillary yesterday threatened to obliterate Iran if they attack Israel. Obviously, we would retaliate if that happened. But, as Helen of Troy studiously pointed out to me this morning (and correct me if I'm wrong INTA bloggers), the Middle East is largely about perception. And as I've learned from reading some Friedman, humiliation is one of the biggest things that keeps all the bad things in the world going. I think her saying that, and everything about her campaign, is very 20th century. There is only one candidate with the possibly to make this not just another four years.

Three words: British Andy reunion

Ignorance is Bliss...

It is with a joyful heart I inform you that instead of watching the Obama/Clinton debate last night I watched Top Chef (x2) and The Real World-Hollywood (Premiere). After glancing over a few blogs/news reports this morning it is apparent that I made an excellent choice. At this point debates are completely silly. We know their positions on the major issues (at least to the extent they are willing to talk about them). More debates only open the door for personal attacks and straight up ridiculous statements. Oh yeah, having a former Clinton staffer (someone who owes having his current job to Bill and Hillary) as the "moderator" for a debate is absurd.

On more important topics. The Real World is fucking awful, but for some reason I still get drawn in. Greg just makes me feel sad. What the fuck makes a 20 year old kid act that way? As for the other roommates it is just more of the same. This house is definitely going to be a hook-up house. No doubt.

On the Top Chef front it is about time for Ryan to go although I think Mark and Nicki have tobe booted soon as well. The judges have hated Ryan since the beginning when he didn't know how to make chicken picata (WTF?). Nicki can only cook pasta and Mark looks like he is doing lines of coke every night. Also, it was great to see Gail Sayers and William Perry on the show last night...they should have brought those guys in as special guest judges. That would have been hilarious!

One complaint about last nights show...if you are going to do a beer challenge then at least use come fucking good beer. Are you kidding me? Michelob is the only person willing to sponsor the show. Fuck, at the least you could have gotten Sam Adams or if you wanted to push the envelope get Dogfish Head or some other kickass craft beer.

Coca-Cola Chili Recipe

In the second installment of the dude dining guide, I am going to weigh in with my own recipe for chili. The sweetness of the coke contrasts very well with the smokiness of the dried ancho chilies.

In a crock pot set on low, add:

1 can Coke
1 can tomato paste
1 can kidney beans (drained)
1 can black beans (drained)
2 diced jalapeno peppers (change to habaneros or aji peppers if you like it more spicy)
3 medium tomatoes, sliced in large chunks
1 small sweet onion (vidalia), diced
1 red bell pepper, diced
1 T red pepper flakes
1 T chili powder
1/2 tsp. cumin

fill small saucepan with 2.5 cups of water and 1 T olive oil and add:

3 large ancho chilies destemmed and de-seeded
1/2 clove of garlic

allow to boil for 10 minutes. Add contents of saucepan (including water) to food processor or blender and blend until smooth. Add to crock pot.

After 4 hours or so cooking on low, add 1/4 bag of sweet white frozen corn and about 1 pound of cooked and diced sausage. Spicy chorizo sausages seem to give the best results, but hot italian style works also. cook on high for 30 minutes, then serve.

A good traditional side is cornbread. When I make it, I use 2 boxes of the Jiffy mix, add a little less milk than the recipe calls for, but add in a small can of creamed corn and a couple of tablespoons of brown sugar, then just bake as directed.

I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don’t know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

Real Foreign Affairs Experience

Its been a few weeks since dudeweekend took Barack Obama into their tender mouths so I guess we're overdue. As loyal readers of dudeweekend (all one of them) will know, we have relentlessly hated on the pantsuited monster for all manner of her bullshit. But the one issue that really sticks in my crawl is this whole recent line of attack that she has more foreign policy experience than Obama owing to her time as first lady. Anyone with half a brain knows this is ridiculous even without Hillary lying to them about snipers and ducking for cover. But lately Barack Obama put his finger on another really important point. He said

"When Senator Clinton brags 'I've met leaders from eighty countries'--I know what those trips are like! I've been on them. You go from the airport to the embassy. There's a group of children who do native dance. You meet with the CIA station chief and the embassy and they give you a briefing. You go take a tour of a plant that [with] the assistance of USAID has started something. And then--you go."

This is exactly right. It reminds me of a dipshit I see at meetings all around DC of assorted Very Important People. He is always shooting his mouth off about "the situation" in Iraq or somesuch, always bragging about what he knows, who he knows, and how he knows it, how his information is much better than yours, because you dont have the "sources" he does. Honest to god, I was at a meeting where he challenged a quite senior defense department official and insinuated that the official was being played because Mr. Dipshit's "sources" in that country had told him something different. This type of crap is why I hate DC.

This type of stinking asshole is actually pretty common in DC. Its the guy who jets into a country, takes a limo past the stinking slums and narrow alleyways, checks in to his 5 star hotel, goes downstairs to the conference center and attends a seminar with assorted government bigwigs (all of whom speak English and wear nice suits), then on the way back up to his hotel room he stops and asks the bellhop "so what do you think about X?" And then the douchebag gets in his limo, goes to the airport, and goes home, where he tells everyone who will listen what the mood on "the street" in said country is.

Which brings me back to Barry O. If youve read his autobiography (and really, there is no excuse if you havent) you'll know that Obama has actually spent time in a foreign country. Not 3 nights in a five star hotel with a post-conference dinner at the attached Ruth's Chris, but living in a sprawling Indonesian suburb, a dusty African capital, or a teeming South Asian metropolis. This is real knowledge of foreign affairs, tangible knowledge of how people think and act in different contexts, based on rationales sunk deep into cultural and social networks. This is the polar opposite of Hillary Clinton and her "knowledge" of foreign affairs, filled as it is with obsequious foreign officials, scheming businessmen, and slick spokesmen, people who have more in common with her philandering husband than they do with their countrymen who work at the fucking noodle stand down the road.

Its this superficial, wishful thinking type of "knowledge" that leads people to argue that "we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators" in Iraq or that Hamas can't be popularly elected because, hey, Mahmoud Abbas and all of his cronies speak English and drink whiskey, and we like them, so obviously the Palestinian people should also. With a few exceptions, this is the knowledge of the Bush Administration. Its the knowledge of McCain and Clinton as well.

DUDE WEEKEND

A camel doesn't change its stripes.

New York Times FAIL

Let's say youre the "Paper of Record," the "Grey Lady," the fabled New York Times. WTF happened where this egregious error slipped past all the editors and proofreaders and into the bolded headline in an above-the-fold feature story. FAIL.

Cloggers McDoggers

If you skipped the Cherry Blossom Festival this past weekend, you missed the Loudoun County Cloggers at the Jefferson Memorial.

WWBJD?

Is this what we have to look forward to when we open the sports page from now on? I have to admit my complete surprise to see ESPN and various newspapers pick up this "story." Is there something wrong with a 24 year old starting quarterback to be hanging out with a bunch of hot 20 year college students? Is there any guy in America that doesn't wish he was in the hot tub over the weekend?

People are being a little naive to think that our athletes are going home every night, taking their dog for a walk, and going to bed. Let's stop pretending that these people are saints and be glad that Leinart wasn't "making it rain" and getting people killed.

I guess we can thank the Facebook and Myspace generation for this joy. Can't wait to see what the future holds...

Dude Endorsement

I got a new computer w/o Microsoft Office - but Google Docs is saving the day. Not only does it do all the basic stuff I need, it's portable. Holy smokes.

Word!

My cell phone has a text message function where if I enter a letter and scroll through it, it will attempt to guess the full word I am trying to type by entering in what it perceives as words that I commonly use (so if I typed an "h" it might fill in "hello"). However, the following list of words that consistently come up when I scroll through all the letters has me a bit concerned about the words I use the most often. Here, apparently, are all of the most popular words I use in text messages:

Handjob

Jew-town

Library

Mustache

Schindlers

Rerun

Shits

Tobacco

Year!

Zit

Moment of your time, sir?

Scene: large, nondescript convention center. A couple strolls through the aisles, lazily checking out the merchandise.

Salesboy: "Afternoon sir! Where are you off to so fast? No rush here! Why don't you step on over here for a minute. I have something you MUST see."

Man: "Excuse me?"

Salesboy: "You know why I singled you out? No huh? Well its because I could tell that youre the type of guy who loves a bargain! Am I right? Eh? Eh? See you're smiling!"

Man: "Well I'm not really looking right now...wait...Shouldnt you be in school? How old are you?"

Salesboy: "Hey, we're not here to talk about me, lets talk about you. My age is not important. Ill tell you what is though, its this fine piece of machinery right here. Let me show you something. Step on over here. Take this. Boy howdy, check that out. You look like you were born with that in your hand!"

Man: "Well, this looks nice, but I'm worried about the craftmanship"

Salesboy turns to the man's wife, flashes toothy insincere grin: "Quite a sharp husband you got here ma'am, bet its hard to get anything by on him!"

/winks at man

"So let me get a handle on this my friend- I can call you friend, right? You gotta believe your own eyes. My job is to help you get a bargain, nothing else. Ill tell you what, the craftsmanship on this piece is totally %110 professional grade. We stand behind everything we sell. I've been selling these to men like yourself for years and never had an unsatisfied..."

Man: "Wait. Years? How old are you?"

Salesboy: "8 going on 35 my friend. But let me tell you in- all my years of sales I've never seen someone whose more of a natural holding that thing as you. Whattya say I go ahead and ring you up. I'll even give you a %5 discount I only give to my friends."

/ winks at wife

Wife (whispering to Husband): "Honey this kid is creeping me out, let's go"

/ Man drops item on the table, quickly begins to walk away with wife

Salesboy: "Where you headed friend? I'll tell you what, %10! And I'll throw in this carrying case too! Its real nice! Well hey, I know you need some time to think about it. Ill be here until Tuesday. If you come back, remember to ask for Charlie!"

/turns back to throng of people

"Excuse me sir, you dropped something! Oh, no sir I'm just joshin' ya. But while you're over here Ive got something you need to see..."

Stan Wolansky on the clock

People will know that few things infuriate me more that the idiotic idea that it is worth taking a running back early in the NFL Draft. And definitely fuck trading up to get one. Mark my words, if I were a GM, I would NEVER take a running back in the first two rounds of the draft. EVER. If Jesus Christ came back to earth wearing #22 and won four straight Heismans (of course Jesus would stay for all 4 years), I wouldn't even look his way until the 3rd round. And then I'd listen to anyone who wanted to swap picks to come up and get him. I'm looking for a linebacker.

You want to talk about how to draft in the first couple rounds? Take a look at the The Jets in 2006. Franchise Left Tackle D'Brickashaw Ferguson and franchise Center Nick Mangold? Stellar. Kellen Clemens in Rd. 2 was also worth a flyer because Nick Mangold's sister is stronger than starter Chad Pennington. Thats how to fucking draft.

Anyways whats my reasoning on the running back position? Part of it is my visceral hate of Reggie Bush, perhaps the most overhyped, underperforming running back ever to play in the NFL. Remember how every sportscaster and analyst got their panties in a twist because the Texans passed on Bush to take Mario Williams? They dont know shit. Williams absolutely exploded last year, with 14 sacks. The only thing about Reggie Bush that exploded was his left knee.

But moving from the emotional to the strategic, the gap between "great" running backs and "very good" running backs is vanishingly small. More times than not, the gap has nothing to do with skill, its just hype, or because X running back measured 3 inches shorter than Y running back. Fuck that. What matters more is the quality of your O-line (see Broncos, Denver). Also, no other position gets beat up and injured as much as a running back. You cant really count on continued production because the risk of a season or career-ending injury is too great. But lets go to the tape. Here are the starting running backs for all 32 teams (some pairs for teams that do it by platoon), and their draft positions:

NFC

Cowboys- Marion Barber/ Julius Jones Round: 4 (4.5 YPC) and Round 2 (3.9 YPC)
Giants- Brandon Jacobs/Ahmad Bradshaw Round: 4 (4.6 YPC) and Round: 7 (8.3 YPC)
Eagles- Brian Westbrook Round: 3 (4.7 YPC)
Redskins- Clinton Portis Round: 2 (4.5 YPC)
Cardinals- Edgerrin James Round: 1 (4.1 YPC)
49'ers- Frank Gore Round: 3 (4.9 YPC)
Seahawks- Shaun Alexander Round: 1 (4.3 YPC)
Rams- Steven Jackson Round: 1 (4.4 YPC)
Bears- Cedric Benson Round: 1 (3.8 YPC)
Lions- Tatum Bell Round: 2 (4.8 YPC)
Packers- Ryan Grant UNDRAFTED (5.1 YPC)
Vikings- Adrian Peterson/Chester Taylor Round: 1 (5.6 YPC) and Round: 6 (4.4 YPC)
Falcons- Warrick Dunn Round: 1 (4.1 YPC)
Panthers- DeAngelo Williams Round: 1 (4.6 YPC)
Saints- Deuce McAllister/ Reggie Bush Round: 1 (4.3 YPC) and Round: 1 (3.7 YPC)
Bucs- Earnest Graham UNDRAFTED (4.1 YPC)

AFC

Bills- Marshawn Lynch Round: 1 (4.0 YPC)
Dolphins- Ronnie Brown Round:1 (4.4 YPC)
Patriots- Lawrence Maroney Round: 1 (4.4 YPC)
Jets- Thomas Jones Round:1 (3.9 YPC)
Broncos- Travis Henry Round:2 (4.1 YPC)
Chiefs-Larry Johnson Round:1 (4.5 YPC)
Raiders- Justin Fargas Round:3 (4.2 YPC)
Chargers- LaDanian Tomlinson Round:1 (4.5 YPC)
Ravens- Willis McGahee Round:1 (4.1 YPC)
Bengals-Rudi Johnson Round: 4 (4.0 YPC)
Browns- Jamal Lewis Round:1 (4.3 YPC)
Steelers- Willie Parker UNDRAFTED (4.4 YPC)
Colts- Joseph Addai Round: 1 (4.4 YPC)
Texans- Ahman Green Round: 3 (4.5 YPC)
Titans- Lendale White Round: 2 (3.7 YPC)
Jaguars- Fred Taylor Round:1 (4.7 YPC)/ Maurice Jones Drew Round: 2 (5.1 YPC)

Besides Reggie Bush sucking it up with a 3.7 YPC average (lowest among first rounders, yay!), what else is important? Well here are the YPC averages grouped by what round they were drafted in:

Round 1: 4.32 YPC (19)
Round 2: 4.35 YPC (6)
Round 3: 4.57 YPC (4)
Round 4: 4.36 YPC (3)
Round 6: 4.4 YPC (1)
Round 7: 8.3 YPC (1)
Undrafted: 4.53 YPC (3)

As you can see, the worst rounds for running backs were the 1st and 2nd, while the best were 3rd and Undrafted (I feel safe arguing that Ahmad Bradshaw is probably not going to rush for 8.3 YPG next year). The metric is debateable, but I think career YPC is probably a pretty damn accurate measure of overall effectiveness.

"Ah," you might say, "you didn't take into account touchdowns, or longevity, or % of picks who 'bust'!" This is true, but I also didn't take into account salaries. Average salary for a first round pick? In 2007 it was about $5-6 million per year. Closer to the top pick, the more expensive it gets. JaMarcus Russell, the no. 1 pick last year, signed a 6 year, $61 million contract. The aforementioned Reggie Bush? 6 year, $52.5 million, not including the illegal bennies from an agent while at USC. For someone whose career so far has mostly involved getting cockroached and hiding behind huge asses (the New Orleans offensive line, not Kim Kardashian), its good work if you can get it. On the other side, the Packers last year paid Ryan Grant $310,000. The Giants signed their Superbowl RB to a 4 year contract at $1.7 million. Lets say you're a GM and you've got $52.5 million to pick up a RB. You want to sign Reggie Bush, (who sucks in case you forgot), or 169 undrafted RB's in the hope that 1 might be able to get you more than 3.7 YPC? I know what I would take.

I will forecast this right now. Darren McFadden will be drafted high, paid an obscene amount of money and maybe, like Purple Jesus, have a great game or two and lodge a few jaw-dropping plays. But at the end of the season, another running back dug out of the second day will put up similar, if not better, stats for a hell of a lot less money.

God's Matchup...

Okay, I realize that the Post columnists are obvious homers for Georgetown. Hell, it is nice to know that they have enough full time columnists left to call homers. Anyway, I think Boswell and Steinberg need to rethink their bitching about Davidson having home court advantage yesterday. Seriously, are you going to tell me that a #10, whose tallest player is 6-8, from a school of 2000 students total (my high school was bigger!) was at a disadvantage playing in a arena roughly halfway from Charlotte and DC (Charlotte to Raleigh is 3 hours; DC to Raleigh is 4 hours). Come on!! Let's be honest for a second. Georgetown lost that game. End of story. Write all you want about the refs, the crowd, whatever...They lost a game that they should have won especially when they were up 17 points in the second half. Let me say that again, you were up 17 points in the second half and you have one of the best defenses in the country.

With only your team to blame of the loss it is kind of weak to use the crowd argument. I would bet that the crowd would have reacted the same way in any arena not called the Verizon Center. It is called pulling for the underdog. People love that shit...in fact they have made entire movies based on the idea.

Will Davidson be the next George Mason (or better yet, Gonzaga)? Probably not...but Friday, and maybe Sunday, will be fun to watch. And as much credit as Curry gets (and he deserves every bit of it), I think it is obvious that Richardson is really driving that train. Without him this team would have lost yesterday.

Random Rules: DW Edition

For those not familiar with it, The Onion AV Club has a feature called "Random Rules" where they get a musician or celebrity to set their mp3 players on random, play a bunch of tracks, and comment on whatever pops up. It's an interesting insight into their artistry, so in an attempt to feign both insight and artistry I propose we all do the same. I'll start:

Ratt's Random Rules:

1. Cursive: There's A Coldest Day In Every Year (from the album "The Difference Between Houses and Homes)

I adore Cursive's last three albums; they were all concept albums that didn't get up their own ass in pretense and actually presented some impressive allegories and symbolism. And they managed to reinvent their style through each album with the introduction of a cellist or horn section. But Cursive has been around for a lot longer than those three albums; they have many many more that dip back into the emo days, and quite frankly their music from that era is bland and atonal. This album is actually a B-Sides collection, so I don't expect much more, and the track pretty much lives up to my expectations. Hey, Tim, it's called an electronic tuner. They're not expensive. I purged my iPod of all the older Cursive stuff, but perhaps left this B-Sides on in the hopes of finding a gem. Looks doubtful.

2. The Early November: Session 07 (From the triple album: Mother, Mechanic, the Path)

The Early November is an anthemic, punkish, emo-ish, indie-ish group. They have some really fantastic songs, but decided to push the boundaries of their sound and scene by releasing a triple album. I've never heard anyone do this, least of all a pop-rock group, and it's obvious why. There is an absurd amount of filler and crap on this album. If you cut it out, this would be a very decent single album, but instead we're left with b-sides, cutting room floor tracks, and spoken word tracks (like this one) that aim for artsy and land squarely at "retarded".

It's interesting to see what happens when an artist tries to push the envelope and force progression into their sound. It can be incredibly successful (see: Radiohead) or embarassingly pathetic, as seen with groups like Angels and Airwaves. They're a band fronted by former Blink-182 guitarist Tom Delonge, who incorrectly thought he had what it took to go from dick-and-fart pop punk to epic and transcendent stadium art-rock. Boo, you fail.

3. Dr. Dog - The Way The Lazy Do (from the album "We All Belong)

These guys are great. An old coworker of mine grew up with them and got me into them. Their sound is more or less a lo-fi Beatles/Brian Wilson sound with a bluesy/Motown jangle to it. It's a familiar and catchy but expressed in an original way. Every time I listen to it I wonder why I don't do so more often.

4. They Might Be Giants - Pencil Rain (from the album "Lincoln")

Great song by a great band off one of their best albums. TMBG's career speaks for itself, so I won't bother. Besides, they're really one of those bands you love or hate, so no point in me expounding on their brilliance.

5. Chisel - The Guns of Meridian Hill (from the Fort Reno Benefit CD)

I got this CD for $1 in Roanoke at a used CD store; it has an old Dismemberment Plan song I haven't heard anywhere else, plus some interesting tracks from other DC bands. Chisel is fronted by the now-very-popular Ted Leo; his signature sound isn't completely developed but it's still there in spades. Neat song for any Ted Leo fan, and a nice reminder that he had his beginnings in DC.

6. Wolfmother - Colossal (from the album "Wolfmother")

A lot of bands like to compare themselves to the great classic groups like Zeppelin and Sabbath. Most of the time those bands end up being shit stains like Puddle of Mudd or Creed. Wolfmother is one of the few bands that can honestly lay credit to such inspiration but have the good taste to never do so. This track is so Sabbath, so bombastic, and will shake the teeth right out of your head.

7. James Carter - Po Lazarus

I think this is James Carter. I think this is from the "O Brother Where Art Thou" soundtrack. I'm not really sure. Having an 80 gig iPod means having piles of stuff you didn't even know you had. This certainly has the "O Brother" slave-anthem sound, so it's pretty good. I really need to clean up my music collection...

8. The Most Serene Republic - Sherry and Her Butterfly Net (from the album "Population")

These guys are on Arts and Crafts with all my favorites (BSS, Stars, etc.). They have sort of a Broken Social Scene sound, but more frenetic with faster drums and more piano. This is one of my favorite songs by them. They're pretty fantastic and highly recommended.

9. The Toasters - Go Girl (from the album "Thrill Me Up")

It's well documented that I had a heavy obsession with ska in high school and college. The addiction has passed, though I still love it. I keep a small collection of my favorites on my iPod. This album by the Toasters is one of the first ska records I bought; it's absolutely fantastic and reminds me of high school in a good way. They, like Madness, are a great ska band.

10. The Beatles - Wait (from the album "Rubber Soul")

I have a confession to make; there are LOADS of Beatles songs I don't know. There are probably only a couple albums I've sat down and listened to start to finish. My big introduction to the White Album was mainly through Danger Mouse's remix of the Grey Album with Jay Z. I of course love the Beatles and rightly recognize their brilliance and impact on music. But with the exception of Sargent Pepper and Abbey Road, I don't have much of an album commitment for them. So as much as I adore other Rubber Soul songs like Ticket To Ride, Nowhere Man, and Norwegian Wood (my favorite Beatles song), I've never even heard this one. I have a lot of Beatles stuff on my iPod I've never heard. It's on my to-do list. The list just happens to be many gigs long...

David Brooks Says: Chin Up

I don't know about you, but I love greatest hits cds. ESPECIALLY on the iPod. Nothing better than when forgotten single after forgotten single come blaring through your shelf system.

Similarly, I'd like to revisit perhaps my favorite column from my favorite center-right columnist. Great advice from 2006. The predecessor alliance of Dude Weekend, remember, originated the Crevice of Knowledge. The CK was also known as the Athens of the Mid-Atlantic in the early 21st century.

Also, via Wikipedia, here's a funny quote from Brooks' college days, talking about the sadly recently deceased William F. Buckley:

In the afternoons he is in the habit of going into crowded rooms and making everybody else feel inferior. The evenings are reserved for extended bouts of name-dropping.

Buckley thought it was so funny that he hired him (and later converted him to the Republican way).

Democracy Now

Anyone else see something wrong with individuals, committed to a particular candidate, footing the bill for an election?

Breakfast at Cici's

Here at Dude Weekend we love misery. That's why I'm proud to present Forbes Magazine's "America's Most Miserable Cities." Not to be confused with Kiplinger's Smart Cities, the Forbes list looks at unemployment, personal tax rates, commute times, weather, crime and Superfund sites. Biggest suprise: Charlotte, NC.

My only complaint about this list is that it only lists the top ten most miserable cities -- I prefer a depth of misery.

africa, still? yes, still.

This is not about current events in Africa. But after doing some browsing for a separate project, I came across a story on Liberia and its fighters (and by fighters I mean child soldiers/war criminals). I looked around a bit, and it turns out these guys have totally awesome names, which seem to consist of just stringing together the two or three most intimidating words they knew. It somewhat reminded me of a dog I met whose owners had allowed their young daughter to name it. She chose "Matilda Princess Volcano." Sweet. Here are some of the best of the Liberians, in descending order of rank:

General Butt Naked
General Peanut Butter
General War Boss
General War Boss III (logically I guess there is a War Boss II, but then again its Africa)
General Kill the Bitch
General Murder
General Killer
General Rambo
General Housebreaker
General No-mother-no-father
General Fuck-me-quick
General Share Blood
General Babykiller
Brigadier Bomb Blast
Colonel Action
Colonel Bloodshed
Colonel Cambodia
Commander Bullet (must be a navy man)
Major Cut Throat
Captain War Face
Captain Mission Impossible
Captain Backblast
Captain Cut Hands
Captain Bonus
Sergeant Burn House
Commando Around-the-world

Ladies got into the game too:

Queen Cut Hands (she was not the wife of Captain Cut Hands, apparently its a common name, like Smith or Jones)

Debate your favorites and add more in the comments!!!

Im sorry, but wtf?

Just a thought...

I wish I could post this without knocking Stan's DMX post down from the top spot, because that needs to sit and simmer for a bit while the messages of Barack Obama's "More Perfect Union" speech sink into some truly ignorant fuckers...

But, I have been mulling over another take-away from his speech today. I realize that the goals of the speech were to address a major issue that still casts an ugly, unfortunate pall over our country and to seal a gap in his campaign's call to unity. However, I am also wondering if this is the much needed discussion that we need to have concerning American foreign policy. I am certainly not a pacifist, but it strikes me that the nuance that Obama sees in race relations in America is reflected in his desire to talk to countries like Iran, North Korea, and Syria. Some of the notes that he struck upon in his speech also come up over and over in the study of "extremism" or "Islamist militancy." The means and statements of those movements are detestable, but nonetheless the anger lingers. The rhetoric and goals of extremist movements are reprehensible, but their popularity is borne of the legitimate concerns of people in some truly failing societies.

The speeches of Jeremiah Wright were absolutely ignorant in their tone and message. And, I realize the danger of trying to formulate a foreign policy message around a speech that was in many ways trying to correct a lapse in judgment on behalf of Obama. The America-hating sentiments from which those speeches SEEMED to originate are not the stuff of heady international affairs discussions. However, what Obama seems to recognize is the profoundly difficult nature of being a leader (whether of a congregation, a community, a city, or a country) requires a perspective from all angles. This type of thinking is not easily translated into political speeches, which this certainly was, but it is a deep level of analysis that America must beg for, for the sake of our future as a shining city upon a hill.

I am certainly in no way trying to equate the struggle of African-Americans and other minorities with those of Islamist militants and anti-West, anti-Israel hatred. But, I would simply like to point out as a student of foreign policy that this message can resonate globally as well. We can choose the politics of 100 years in Iraq, of continued war, of continued divisiveness. Or, we can choose the politics that at least hears the other side out and tries to grasp why their message is so vitriolic. I am all for throwing Osama bin Laden under the bus, but to conduct an effective counteroffensive against his rhetoric is to acknowledge that it has an origin that is neither dead nor the past. Someone who can embrace that level of nuance and critical thinking is the one I want answering the phone at 3AM.

y'all wanna be killers? get at me dog!

You guys remember the rapper and all around piece of shit DMX? Neither did I, until loyal commenter Danny sent me this interview. He is so smart, here is an excerpt to prove it:

Are you following the presidential race?
Not at all.

You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.
His name is Barack?!

Barack Obama, yeah.
Barack?!

Barack.
What the fuck is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?

Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
Barack Obama?

Yeah.
What the fuck?! That ain’t no fuckin’ name, yo. That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the fuck outta here.

You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
I ain’t really paying much attention.

I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
Wow, Barack! The nigga’s name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit” [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

So you’re not following the race. You can’t vote right? [ed.- because he is a convicted felon]
Nope.

A Sad State

So, I could only go through the first page of this article till I had to stop reading it. Without directly approaching a key issue (at least in the first page) this article gets at what I see to be the key to our current financial crisis. The complete and utter inability of Americans to live within our means. The woman highlighted in this article had an good paying job, bought a house well within her price range, and seemed to have everything going for her. Then she decided to refinance her home with a higher interest rate to help consolidate her debt (why people give such private information to newspapers is beyond me but that is a topic for another post).

Why does someone with such a well paying job and low mortgage payment (her initial mortgage payment was probably in the range of $1200-$1300 depending on the down payment) end up in such bad shape. Especially considering she should have plenty leftover for expenses, savings, retirement, child care costs, etc.

Well, the problem is that our back-ass consumerist culture drove her into this position. She probably had good credit going into this situation therefore she received roughly 20 credit card offers each week...of course she couldn't resist setting up at least one of them since the interest rates seemed so low and spending limit so high. Next thing you know after a couple of shopping sprees at Best Buy, Nordstrom, and BB&B she is $15-20k (maybe more) in the hole to MBNA with interest payments over 20%. Awesome.

Obviously the best way out of the situation is to cash in on a little of equity on her house (whose value has skyrocketed due to an artificially low interest rate and mortgage lenders on crack) to pay off the bills and get back on track. So what if the rate is a little higher and there is a little more risk. No big deal the good times are here to stay!

WELCOME TO 2008! The economy is now in the shits, your mortgage rate is going through the roof, even if you wanted to unload the house the market is tanking and you will end up taking a loss. Time for foreclosure and the end of the American Dream.

This, my friends, is why I am against the stimulus package that Congress recently passed. It is doing nothing to help solve the problem of people overspending on shit they don't need (yes Stan, I know you will be right behind me to give the money back to Uncle Sam). There is something to be said for personal responsibility. Obviously we need to do more to help the poor and John Edwards' is spot on when he talks about the two Americas (as hypocritical as that may be), but do people making $90k a year really need a bail out?

Six Days at the Bottom of the Ocean...

April 11th. Fuck. Yes.

That is all...

As long as we're here...

This certainly deserves another airing, in my mind...

This is an e-mail in response to this article:

it's like the clinton campaign is living in a parallel bizarro world...the whole time i was reading the linked article i was thinking "why the hell are they highlighting his numerical advantages???"

then i remembered that it is the same horribly mismanaged campaign that we have seen collapse like a flan in a cupboard (hat tip: eddie izzard) over the past month. the logical gymnastics of clinton's campaign are utterly mind blowing: the ferraro fiasco (tm) was obama's fault (according to ferraro and clinton's campaign manager); he plagiarizes one of his top advisers (even though gov. deval gave him permission to use the "just words" line) but she steals john edwards' parting shots about "we're going to be just fine" and her supporters start chanting "yes, she can;" the fact that she is "mathematically" out of the hunt but she wants to suggest obama can be her running mate (the serpentine logic of why he would be a good running mate but not a good commander-in-chief is just too rich to elucidate, even here); her foreign policy "experience" being greater than obama's despite numerous key players coming out and saying she has exaggerated her role in many of the situations she has taken credit for (bosnia, rwanda, china, northern ireland)...many people have been fired, publicly disgraced, and ruined for this last point alone; she has essentially embellished her resume.

again, this latter point brings up some of my earlier inquiries as to why obama is not playing up his role as an intrepid advocate in chicago politics early in his career. he is essentially neglecting his resume while she is making one up as she goes. if he truly wants to change the tone in washington then he should reflect back to the instances when presidential nominees were not always crusading charlatans, strictly shooting for 1600 penn. ave. many former presidents cut their teeth in local politics first to show their mettle and then took it national...christ, the best hillary has done is shit out an ugly baby by bill's fetid penis.

the creepy thing about her campaign is that she is obviously delusional (almost to a clinical degree...for serious) and her advisers are all drinking from the kool-aid fountain. if obama cannot do it then let his surrogates do it for him, as was suggested in The Root, and ask clinton (a la jack nicholson from the shining) "are you out of your fucking mind?"

/trolls the internetz

Stan Wolansky: Danny sent me this from a friend of his: "i'm at a conference where the crowd will start to chant "fail, fail" when someone presentation screws up"
Maulana Dan Monday: yeah, he sent that to me too. entropy is awesome

Stan Wolansky: rooting for failure and chaos is always a winner

Maulana Dan Monday: because it is bound to happen. i am not a cynic or an asshole...i'm just rooting for the other team.

Stan Wolansky: the other team being nature.

Maulana Dan Monday: yes.

Amen...

You will be hard pressed to call me a Gary Williams' apologist. I've been critical of him over the years regarding the academic standing of the team and his recruitment of dickhead players (I knew Gilchrist and Caner-Medley were fuckups from day one), but I have never doubted his ability to coach up the team every year. Yeah, the past five years have been a little rough, but let's be realistic with our expectations. There is one program in the country that is a regular fixture in the rankings. Every team goes through cycles...look at Syracuse right now. Do you think anyone there is talking about Boeheim losing his touch? Bullshit.

That said, Wise's column in the Post today was spot on. Gary still has more chips on the table than 99% of the coaches in the country. Name five coaches who could have dug Maryland out of the hole they were in 20 years ago. We were looking at the death penalty for the basketball program and he convinced Walt Williams to play for him when the prospect of playing in March wasn't possible because of NCAA penalties.

So for all you so-called fans who want Gary to move on...FUCK YOU! We didn't fucking need you before 2001 and we don't need you now.

from mississippi, with love

slight modification from the original here

Dance for Me, Stan...

the "new map" puts you and i together.

/slinks away to lounge music

do not want

What a coincidence. Stan Wolansky just returned from his afternoon trip to the thunderbucket where he read this article on CENTCOM's Thomas Fallon. Leaving aside the dull-from-overuse cardplaying metaphor and turtleneck Tommy Barnett's obvious desire to live out the rest of his days nestled snugly in a pair of Fallon's used tighty whiteys, the article made me feel good that the CENTCOM commander was there to muffle the war drums from the flat-earthers and chickenhawks gearing up for war with Iran. However that feeling vanished as soon as he returned to his computer and saw this. pwn3d.

everything you need to know about DC politics, in a nutshell

This post is a little out-of-date, but I couldnt get the damn picture off the camera. sue me. Anyways, the particular makeup of DC tends to make politics here rather predictable. How predictable? Well look at the scroll on the bottom of the picture below (I took it the night of the so-called Potomac Primaries"):

Thats right, with O% reporting, MSNBC calls DC for Obama.

delegate and popular vote lead...u haz?

Alright. Im sorry to bump Ratticus's two excellent posts with more boring crap about politics, but this shit needs to be said. Remember a few days ago when the Clinton campaign floated the idea of a joint Clinton-Obama ticket? Now they are shocked, shocked that this idea was considered. Clinton staffer and marble-gargler extrordinaire Howard Wolfson today says “We do not believe at this point that Sen. Obama has passed that key commander-in-chief test” that Clinton would require for a veep. WTF is going on here? Hey Howie, here are some numbers for you:

Pledged delegates (Obama +155)
Obama= 1378
Clinton= 1223

Total delegates (Obama +120)
Obama= 1588
Clinton= 1468

This one is also somewhat important:

Total votes (Obama +603,687)*
Obama= 13,025,003
Clinton= 12,421,316
*Iowa, Nevada, Washington & Maine Have Not Released Popular Vote Totals

Given Obama's insurmountable lead in delegates, and likely in popular votes as well, where do the Clintons get off trying to position Obama as the veep? As one of the reliably hysterical New York tabloids said, Clinton is trying to sell a house she doesn't own.

Open Letters from the DC Metro

An Open Letter to the Person Taking a Picture of the Dupont Station Escalator:

Hi there, welcome to Washington D.C. This is a truly amazing city with breathtaking yet regal architecture, and more monuments than you can shake a stick at! I'm more than certain that you'll notice these incredibly picturesque visages, provided you can actually bring yourself to climb the escalator and reach the surface of our fair city. That's right, the escalator isn't just a cool-looking structure. Actually, it isn't even a cool-looking structure.

I have to say your fascination with escalators astounds me. Are you a converted Amish? Do you have a fetish for moving metal platforms? Chances are you're a tourist from a midwestern state; you people have malls so big they have fucking roller coasters in them, don't tell me you've never seen an escalator before...

But I digress. I implore you to actually use this contraption you find so fascinating so that you may get up to the street level and take pictures of all sorts of other objects (cigarette butts, manhole covers, trash cans) that manage to be a waste of film even for a modern camera that holds thousands of pictures.



An Open Letter To The Twat Who Won't Stand To The Right:

Stand to the right, twat.


An Open Letter To The Guy Who Asked If I Could Spare 10 Cents On The Metro Escalator:

No.

Bond, Achmed Bond

Fuck the upcoming election that you dudes keep talking about, there's something just as consistent and twice as awesome that's always on the news: Pakistani lawyers. This picture here is from the front page of the New York Time. Just look at this guy: wearing a full black suit while hopping over barbed wire to avoid a tear gas cloud? How many law school students in the U.S. can you picture pulling that off? This guy looks like a complete badass. He could easily give Connery a run for his money.

My dad is a lawyer in Roanoke; mostly bankruptcy and real estate. He often jumps over barbed wire during political riots, if by "jumps over barbed wire during political riots" you mean "drives his Lexus to work".

The most amazing thing isn't that as lawyers they're protesting something related to their profession, it's the way they approach it like it's another day at the office. The riot is their office.

Thank you, Musharraf.

strong leader: reagan 1985 edition

Dudeweekend is a viper's nest of hillary-hate. Its not only the deviousness with which this monster has run her campaign, the nefarious cast of characters which cling to her, her philandering husband's embarrassing antics, or the constant racial and religious shenanigans (He's not a Muslim as far as I know") this devil in a red pantsuit has resorted to in an effort to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. Its mostly the constant dissembling, double standards, and general dishonesty which is the mark of this woman, nay this couple.

Mrs. Wolansky made the comment the other night that Hillary is like the little girl on the playground who will antagonize and goad her playmate into hitting her, then scream bloody murder for the teacher. Thats a pretty apt description. But I want to take on another myth that has suddenly materialized from the ether.

Now Clinton is the "strong leader" (by extension Obama is not). This is laughably stupid for many reasons, but let me pose just one obvious one- a "strong leader" does not cry at the prospect of losing the New Hampshire primary, or after getting her ass handed to her in the Potomac primaries. Sorry Hillary, you reaped the benefits, now its time to pay the costs. She should be asked if she is going to break down in tears at the negotiating table because "its not easy?" Is this the pose of a strong leader?

Dude Dining

Time for a new segment on the ole blog: the Dude Weekend Dining Guide. Here we'll feature the latest cuisine of the various places we live and travel to. This first edition features China Star in Fairfax, VA, brought to us by Tyler Cowen's Ethnic Dining Guide. Implicit in Cowen's blog is that the best ethic food in the National Capital area resides in the suburbs, where most of the area's ethnic communities live (notable exception: DC Ethiopian food is the tops).

I had the Szechuan chili chicken which was tasty but really, really hot. I'm talking Indian American Cafe (Harrisonburg, VA) no. 3 or 4 hot. Crystal shrimp was unique and enjoyable; curry chicken highlighted the freshness of the ingredients.

Conclusion: worth the drive if you have car access and like spicy food.

Next week: Stan checks in from the cafés half a world away...

the darker the barry, the sweeter the juice

Check it.

And right before Ohio too? Well what would be the point of that...oh wait...I see...Awesome. Somewhere out there is the unpaid staffer with shitty MS paint skills who actually did this. Which brings up another point. Does everything the devil in the red pantsuit does have to be so damned amateurish? Jesus. Take some of the five million dollars you loaned yourself and hire a professional. You know, like these guys. (h/t spencer)

Wait, so I guess this means he is "black enough" now? How about now?

Beginning of the End

It was only 8 weeks ago that we watched Iowa propel Barack Obama into the status of front runner for the Democratic Presidential nomination. How far we have come...It will now be a long 7 weeks till we get to the next big primary in Pennsylvania (or, as someone once said "Pittsburgh and Philadelphia with Alabama in between).

Last night was disheartening to say the least. We watched an experienced political team mount an incredible comeback against the fresh face of the party. It came with a well placed ad that kept the pundits buzzing for days. It also came with a former supporter entering a serious criminal trial. When fighting history while trying to stay above the fray Obama was placed in a tough position.

Where the race goes from here is any one's guess. I believe that we are looking at the end of what should have been a very promising year for the democratic party. Instead we are now faced with the prospect of Obama and Clinton tearing each other down, possibly till the convention in August, while McCain and Bush sit back and enjoy the show. Whoever wins the nomination is going to come out facing a rested and ready Republican machine and what should have been a landslide in November now looks like a repeat of 2000.

As I stood in line to caucus last night I had a sinking feeling that things were not going to turn out well. I didn't imagine walking home, turning on the television, and seeing Obama down almost 20 points in Ohio at one point. It made me feel tired. I'm tired of Clintons and Bushs running the country. I'm tired of watching every policy matter tied down in partisan bullshit. It is time the country gave itself something to feel good about.

Isn't Obama the realization of the American Dream (if it still exists)? I know the guy isn't perfect. I know he will probably fuck up on a couple of things and I will probably be pissed at him at least a dozen times during his first year in office. But unlike any candidate we have seen in a long time he has an ability to motivate and lead that we have not seen in a long time. Fuck, my 65 year old dad made his first political contribution this year. Isn't that saying something?

As I said, I have no idea where the race is going from here, but I don't see it ending well. Call me a cynic (and I am) but the idea of watching this primary dragged out another 3-5 months makes me want to go hangout with Sawyer and Hurley for a while.

Wait a god damn minute...

hillary clinton just said in her victory speech for RI and OH that we can strive to achieve a better america...excuse me, devil in a red pantsuit, but that sounds an awful lot like "hope." i thought you said that was akin to a platitude...what gives, soccer mom haircut?

and, are people at your rallies really chanting "yes we will"????? and who plagarizes??? your whole campaign is a lie and a joke. face it, we're just not that into you.

by the way, your husband cheated on you...HAHA

O' Hai...Ohhhh

people in ohio are fucking bigots...Guuuhhh

Want to feel like a piece of shit?

1) sign up for a personal trainer
2) make sure it's an attractive female in your age group
3) expose your meaty ham hocks like you're at "spring break: fat camp"
4) have her push you to the point that you are nauseous
5) feel sore to the point you cannot walk properly
6) offer your ego on a pyre of shame
7) pay for this to happen four more times

guuuuuhhhhh...

Cacklin' Cankles Sings Da Blues...

so let's review where the fuck we are at now that three-fifths of dude weekend has officially endorsed barrack obama by way of posts on this blog. on the eve of critical primaries/caucuses in texas and ohio (as well as other states) i am making a prediction that clinton is out by the end of the week. that's just me, and it feels good to write it...

but, i have this sneaking suspicion. it is as andrew sullivan put it; it's that eerie quiet before the storm. the clinton machine could come back to shame us all. but, speaking of shameful, let's just give a cursory rundown of the shitty tactics recently embraced by the queeen of beefy achilles heels...yeah, i know i am getting porky too, so shut your fucking mouth.

first and foremost, there is the shameful somali garb incident, which the knowledgeable stan-wise gamgee has commented on. disgrace.

then there is the plagiarized "red phone" ad by clinton's campaign that highlights her utterly non-existent foreign policy credentials. hey, cacklin', you didn't have security clearance during bill's presidency...ergo, you weren't in the room to help with these decisions...go fuck yourself.

then, boys and girls, there is the latest smear that the clinton campaign tried to unload against sen. obama. face it, sister, you are acting like a ferret backed into a corner because you were completely deficient in your campaign planning. i hope your self-entitlement tastes bitter because for me it's on the other side of the tongue. it's oh so sweet. perhaps you will prove me wrong, and perhaps you are "just getting started," as you have said. but, if you happen to squeak by (yes, that is the sound you make when speaking) in this nomination process, you will always have it hanging over your head that you are a conniving whiner. the more your campaign threatens to sue the texas democratic party the more you are exposed as an elitist who will do anything to win because you feel as though you "deserve" to.

in summation, i don't like you, sen. clinton. i will be very disappointed if you win the democratic nomination because i do not think you deserve it. your tactics in the past few weeks are telling of your quality as a person and your potential as a president. that can be summed up in one word: petty.

i'll take hope; so you can take your shit somewhere else. fucker.

god, i wanted this post to be much funnier...

Wow

These quotes get better every day. As Tapper points out at the end of this post, is it somehow easier for a black man to run for president than a white woman? Don't you think there is a reason that Obama requested Secret Service protection a year ago? Fucking unreal. You have been given every advantage in life, have succeeded and now you want my sympathy? Sorry, I just ran out of sympathy...

Please just go away quietly...

If I never hear from this guy again it will be fine by me...

UPDATE: I should also mention that this will bring an end to the most awkward 5 minutes on SportsCenter when they have Salisbury and Clayton debate. Some obvious anger management issues always surface during that segment.

welcome, dimwits

The Obama campaign has huge implications for race relations in this country. For one, electing a black man president would seriously stifle claims about racism in this country. No, it would not silence them (because racism does still exist), but it would make it much harder to reflexively cry racism whenever something goes awry. I, for one, am thoroughly enjoying the teeth gnashing and wailing of the assorted racial ambulance chasers at the prospect of an Obama presidency. Unsurprisingly, these dubious characters are clustered around the Clinton campaign where they cling to their candidate like a tick clings to a mutt. These hucksters have buttressed their self-appointed position as representative and arbiter of the "black community" through their proximity to the Clinton's power, while the Clintons have benefited by being able to claim the support of the "black community." Of course, the prospect of Obama upsetting this comfy little applecart cant go unchallenged.

Witness this retard:


I don't even know where to begin. His "native country?" Which country would that be? Somalia? And that would make you...

So it comes to this...

What a fucking disgrace. I am holding this spot for a particularly vitriolic rant based upon this article.

I find it shameful that this subject is a part of American politics, let alone the race for the presidency. This is why I do not vote in these dog and pony shows. An educated woman being criticized for a thesis that she wrote more than 20 years ago?!?!? On top of that, she is being criticized for writing about identity in American, especially Ivy League, institutions. Are you fucking kidding me?!?! If this had been a Jewish or Arab or Asian student, this would have been viewed as a harmless thesis, perhaps even given a "best thesis" award.

Go fuck yourselves hard and long, media outlets. Forgive me for sounding like a curmudgeon, but I hope you choke on the big bigoted dick that you are sucking. You are a disgusting lot if you let this story breathe anymore. Fucking drop dead and leave it to the civil among us to make our decisions. You deserve a painful life.

BOGSAT...

aka: Bunch of Guys Sitting Around a Table
aka: Bald Old Guys Sitting Around a Table

This article brings up some issues that are going to be some real sticking points for the next administration, especially the Democrats and especially Obama. While Obama wants "preparation" rather than "preconditions," he will be hard-pressed to get either without some help from the intelligence community as much as the diplomatic corps. Essentially we are looking at war-fighting versus forecasting. The IC is not robust enough to do both...or even one of those unimpeachably. Will the trend that Ackerman discusses hamper that? I think it is something that all three of the candidates will have to address come January 2009.

money quote:

There needs to be a semi-independent voice that voices the broader strategic perspectives and is not driven by the [intelligence] demands of day," said Robert Hutchings, who chaired the National Intelligence Council from 2003 until 2005. "The worry is not that Mike Hayden and Mike McConnell happen to be military officers; it’s that the system is now skewed to current intelligence, driven by military operations. That’s leaving too little left over for strategic analysis of what’s going on more broadly. And that leads to [an echo chamber effect]: this is what’s presented to policy-makers, and it just reinforces the worldview they began with.

And, why do all of these dudes look like photos of the same guy taken at varying intervals??? For fuck sake, can we not change it up a little bit?!?!?!

COMING SOON: Japan Watch, Vol. 2

How can you not vote for this guy?

Japan Watch! Vol. 1

This is the inauguration of a new feature here at dudeweekend and no, its not the most original, but that never stopped us before. Ah the lovely country of Japan- full of beautiful scenery, otherworldly technology, majestic vistas, and used panty vending machines.

Would you take dating advice from this man?

This article pretty much tells you all you need to know about gender relations in Japan. Its about nanpa schools, which are essentially night classes on how to pick up women. The students include your average array of dorks and tools, including "engineers who have little interaction with women except through online porn."

Yeah, yeah, lord knows Japan doesnt have a monopoly on people like this. What they do have, apparently, is a class of people willing to pay $280 to take a class that tells them that actual women DO NOT repeat DO NOT like to be tentacle-raped by aliens. Hard to believe I know. I wonder if this is covered in the "How to Use Magic to Gain Popularity and How to Seduce Women" class.

I really feel for Japanese women. They have to take separate subway cars so perverts cant grope them or take pictures up their skirts. Japanese men would rather date robots (or, god forbid that is too intimidating or demanding, a virtual one). Hence modern Japanese sexual culture. Japanese men cry themselves to sleep on a girlfriend lap pillow, across the hall a Japanese woman cries herself to sleep on a boyfriend arm pillow, and we all wonder why Japan's birth rates are falling like Kirstie Alley off a cliff.

Oh, and one of the people interviewed for this article has the coolest name ever. Hachioji Robocop. How in the world you can have a name like that and not get laid is absolutely beyond me.

Thank you, George Will

The man who loves baseball said it beautifully today.

"The president who came to office with the most glittering array of experiences had served 10 years in the House of Representatives, then became minister to Russia, then served 10 years in the Senate, then four years as secretary of state (during a war that enlarged the nation by 33 percent), then was minister to Britain. Then, in 1856, James Buchanan was elected president and in just one term secured a strong claim to being ranked as America's worst president. Abraham Lincoln, the inexperienced former one-term congressman, had an easy act to follow."

It is time to move forward...

With a 10 game winning streak under his belt, Obama is in the driver's seat for the nomination. Unfortunately, the Clinton's are not going to let this fight go that easily. I don't see her backing down till every state has voted and every delegate pledged. It is the Clinton way. However this post from MSNBC offers an interesting tidbit into the managing styles of both candidates and indicator of the type of leader they will be in office.

*** It’s the campaign, stupid…: Time and again, we hear anecdotes of how the Obama campaign has more staff here or more money there. This, of course, was a luxury Obama had versus Clinton. The Obama campaign knew they weren't going to win quickly, and so they prepared for the long campaign -- the delegate fight. The Clinton campaign has been surprisingly unprepared for the long haul. Remember when Clinton herself said the contest would be over February 5? This is the only way to explain the consistent caucus beat-down they take and the lack of preparation for Wisconsin. It's the Obama campaign that's doing the little things tactically. At some point, one has to wonder if Obama will start using the organizational success he's had in this campaign as a talking point about his own preparation to run the White House. After all, this is the largest organization either Clinton or Obama has run.

With all the talk of experience and able to lead from day one, shouldn't we be taking a closer look at the organization of each candidate's campaign. Obama has left no stone underturned, built a 50 state campaign, and established a disciplined and loyal staff. Clinton has appeared to do the opposite. Her staff was too afraid to warn her that finances were low after Iowa. Apparently no one had bothered to look at how the Texas primary actually worked before the candidate wasted 3 days touring the Valley. She is losing because Obama is out campaigning her (you know, the way people get elected?). Her campaign can continue to spin anyway they want but the bottom line is they are getting their asses kicked and don't know how to stop it other than to start throwing mud.

These are key indicators of the type of president we can expect. Do you want to elect someone who is surrounded with smart, detail oriented people? Or do we want the candidate who manages by the motto of "don't fuck up?"

Even better is that McCain seems to be headed towards the same strategy as Clinton and attacking Obama on his experience. I'm not sure how else they can spin it, but up till now that attack has not stuck with voters. Perhaps McCain should look to change course before it is too late. If I were him I would start building a 50 state campaign and not leave any stone unturned.

UPDATE: It is also a bad sign when you start to throw your daughter under the bus, by saying her work is meaningless. Way to go mom and dad!

wow

thats all I can say.

Washington, DC Kennel Club

for the first time in the history of the westminster kennel club a beagle won best in show. i love animals; I FUCKING LOVE THEM!!! the four cats i have lived with throughout my life (even the pooter queen herself, shadow, who is no longer with us, god rest her soul) and the pets of my friends and loved ones are just as important to me as many humans. sorry, bi-peds, but sometimes you all just suck. so, i get excited about the dog show every year.

why do i mention this? well, for one, i am actually excited about the 2008 presidential campaign, and this is the first time i have ever felt as such. i mention the dog show because historically i have been much more likely to vote in that contest than any political beauty pageant until now. even with that said, i am still skeptical--forever will be--and i reserve my right to withdraw my enthusiasm at the drop of a hat...or a bald-face, blatant fucking lie.

in full disclosure, i have never voted. the only reason i know what it looks or smells like within a polling place is because i always accompanied my parents to vote in my youth, and because i volunteered at our local polling station during high school. believe me, i have been called all sorts of things for this, including hypocrit, bad citizen, just another complainer, and shithead...i am not even sure that last one had anything to do with my not having ever voted. but, i have always maintained that it is my right to NOT vote. of course it is. no one can force me to do anything.

for those detractors who tell me that i cannot complain BECAUSE i do not vote, i have one thing to say: yes, i can. i can complain about anything i fucking want to, especially the current state of politics in this country. even moreso, i choose to mount a complaint with one of the most powerful things i have: my vote. let's put it another way. you are telling me that i cannot aptly comment on the political situation in this country because i refuse to choose between two charlatans who, once elected, back out on their promises like a prom date who finds out the girl he coaxed into fucking him in the limo is now knocked up?

i can completely understand the opinion that denounces any non-voters, for i am not trying to say that those who do vote, even when the candidates are not ideal, are not enlightened. that shit is annoying and should be saved for dread-locked hippies who judge you while handing out flyers on the street...we can all join in on the universal desire to smash their shins with a bat and tell them to get the fuck out of our faces with their tripe.

but give me a fucking break! instead, look at my decision like a boycott. if wal-mart treats its employees like shit or if softsoap tests on animals, what do you do, ever smart and virtuous consumer? you DO NOT buy their products. if you find that the diner in your neighborhood is not paying its busboys (who happen to be three-fourths hispanic) a reasonable wage, do you eat there? fuck no!!!! you're a responsible and worldly New York Times-reading urbanite.

so, i choose to boycott the two party system in this country. some say that not voting does not work because i am, at the end of the day, just forfeiting my voice in favor of those who oppose my view. well, the same contention is levied against boycotts and embargoes and other forms of protest. just because you do not choose to buy there does not mean others will not. does that make you any less relevant? why, of course not. but, why are those methods acceptable forms of dissention and the former not?

so, get off my back about not voting. perhaps this year i will. i am actually inspired by a candidate who is not a carpetbagger or a curmudgeoned fairweather politico...oh, wait that describes clinton and mccain, both (and for the record, "hope" is never a platitude, you two fear-mongering beasts...i hope you both end up in the darkness of your own rhetoric without a torch). let's face it, the two party system is fucking broken and it does not represent anyone, let alone the typical american. fuck the pandering and the rhetoric. i am not going to vote for, as so many put it, the "lesser of two evils" because the world is not black or white, and i don't want ANY evil in a position of power. i'd rather vote for the fucking beagle...

The Birth of Nonsense

--dan monday, october 2002--

right on, spongebob squarepants, i will be ready whenever you are, so just let me know the details of your eye exam...study hard. however, i will not endorse such things fully unless you give me a promise on full faith and credit that you will get indie glasses and wear them throughout your political career (chucks are optional)...then you can form an indie political party called the tiennamen squares, which will only be based upon the most pure and benevolent forms of democracy and universal human rights, whereby you can hold the dual role of party leader and minister of rock...i will be the minister of foreign affairs and general cynicism along with my honorable colleague stan "i cant help that i dont give a shit about your rights, you prol" wolansky in order to form the hegelian dialectic and acheive the support and good graces of the world over as we deny our position of forcing them under OUR wings so that we might do the greatest good as the greatest political party on the planet: establish the wind on which they fly. our principles would be based on a) rock; b) all things british (excluding the pussified "third way"); c) pints for all; d) the city paper; e) taking the fifth damn cheeseburger away from your mouth; f) salmon three times a week; g) biking to work; h) foregoing that seventh BMW in three years; i) universal rights of man; j) taking your head out of the fucking cave; k) terrorism bad, muslims good; l) CEOs should not govern; m) we do this only if we are chosen to do so...and i present to you the manifesto for the next fifty years of our lives.

happy valentine's day

from dudeweekend

I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger....

Tonight in class I sat beside a guy who spent a substantial amount of time picking his nose and eating his boogers. He had a wedding ring on his finger. It makes me wonder; when his lovely wife took his hand in marriage, did he stop to wash it first?

I feel like somewhere in here there's a metaphor or statement about love that I'm not yet wise enough to figure out.

Scotland has an army?

Seriously, fuck you Scotland! The only good thing to come out of your country is single-malt, so why the fuck are you sending your army to perform in the US? I'm not kidding. This is my one fucking chance to see a presidential debate in person, but nooooo you decide to take up the largest fucking venue on campus for a fucking drumline show. I hate you. Instead they are holding it at the fucking Rec Center?!?!? Are Clinton and Obama going to go through a combine workout? I wonder who will score higher on the Wunderlich?

Oh yeah, and those who ask, "but your college is helping to organize it, won't you get a ticket?" My response, "Do I strike you as someone who sucks off the dean everyday in search of perks? I've never spoken to a fucking soul in the administration, so of course I'm not going to get one of the 5 student tickets they will give out."

So, in a completely unrelated closing...


I wish you a good night. Enjoy!

como se dice "Cackling Cankles?"

Scene: Nondescript auditorium

Hillary: "And thats why, America, I can be your Presid...what? an opportunity for pandering? Where?!?!?!"


/cackles with excitement

Hillary: Oh come here my little caramel-colored totem! You're dressed up like a little mariachi! How cute!


/turns toward crowd, cackling softly to herself

Hillary: You know I am part Hispanic? Want proof? I love hot peppers, Hispanics love hot peppers, must be Hispanics! What's that you say? It IS quite a coincidence that I said this as it became clear I need to win Texas. Wait, Hispanic people live in Texas? I didn't know. Really, I didn't.

/sheds tear

Throw-Away Sunday

once reserved for the saturday occuring on a three-day weekend, the term "throw-away" must now be, at least for the next few weeks, reserved for sundays and the end of another NFL season. for the next seven-plus months i have no excuse for getting, as Switters would call it, "maintenance" done on saturday so i can vegetate on stan wolansky's couch to watch football...

/six million remembered

but, wait...what's this?!?!? a primary race that resembles the last weeks of the regular season!?! holy shit, i may just have something to watch.


i know i am mixing boxing and football metaphors...so what, cock?

barack obama has now won eight consecutive primaries or caucuses and leads in the delegate count. i know that hillary clinton has the potential to carry texas, ohio, and pennsylvania, thus winning the delegate count. but, DON'T YOU REALIZE...this is like a 12-2 team winning its division and securing a bye week with two weeks to play. do you pull your starters and avoid injury to key players (the traditional choice)? or, do you strategize to keep your players in the zone so they will not be rusty after three weeks of rest?

the momentum is shifting obama's way despite clinton being the favorite out of the gate. she is avoiding wisconsin to a large extent, a mistake to some pundits, as she is giving up on a state that closely reflects her core constituency much like ohio. instead, she is settling for the big guns and focusing on texas...the equivalent of pulling all your starters for three weeks and hoping for the best in the regionals. i...think...i have found...a solution to...the darkness that is creeping...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PUT SOME FUCKING FOOTBALL ON!!!!!!!!!!

Here Comes the Boom

Tomorrow night promises to be one of the best games of week with the rematch between Maryland and Duke at Cameron. The Terps are on a incredible hot streak winning 10 of their last 12. Amazing that this team couldn't shot worth a damn in December now has the highest field goal percentage in the ACC. Not to mention Vazquez has actually learned to control himself and doesn't feel the need to throw up awful shots with 30 seconds left on the shot clock. Once again Gary has managed to pull together a great squad that is fun to watch.

That said, I'm boldly predicted a little of this tomorrow...
Because there is no way Duke can control this guy...

the perils of identity politics

file this under the revolution eating its children...


this portion of the very famous tryptich from one of my favorite artists is also prominently displayed on the label of one of my favorite beers. some dude trivia for you.

Half-Formed Ruminations (And Other Questions We'll Never Get Around To): Tongue Waggin' Fer Jesus

i watched the documentary jesus camp the other night, and the only word to describe it is terrifying. it is a surreal experience to see a ten year old say with a smile on their face that they want to become a martyr for christ...guuuhhhhh. if the kids' names were hesham and mohammed you can guaran-goddamn-tee that this camp would be raided by a team of federal agents faster than one can say "allahu akbar." instead, these kids have nice (ugh) christian names like levi and rachel...wait, did i say christian? sorry, i meant hebrew...their bad.

anyway, these little angels of fire and brimstone are just full of rote parroting of how jesus hates sinners and abortion and evolution and dancing and harry potter...these kids say the world is going to shit more than a crotchety septuagenarian. but, i am pretty sure that they (or even their parents for that matter) could not tell you in rational terms why. of course, i will give them the benefit of the doubt because they are impressionable children...because another thing these kids also seem full of is loneliness. they are always filmed alone and they don't seem to really connect with other kids, even the other kids at jesus camp...perhaps because they are so damn afraid of going to hell. and, one reason i know that it is the adults who deserve to be ritually beaten is that these kids are full of something else: tears. lots and lots of tears. these people love to make children cry!!!


while violence can be cathartic in the mind, i am not prone to violence. besides, we all know that christians will just turn the other cheek so you are tempted to smack that one too. so, i thought let's use a little science...evangelicals really hate that shit.

one thing about evangelical service is channeling the holy spirit by speaking in tongues...which essentially sounds like a 6 month old gurgling strained gerber peas. hell, i remember making those same sounds as a kid when i was trying to impersonate someone speaking a foreign language. but, the prayer warriors will tell you that this is the holy ghost speaking through them...perhaps, but let's put it to the rigors of the god-hating witch's brew that is the scientific method.

idea for a research paper or longer study:
have a linguist and a neurologist to examine the cognitive formation of language skills in individuals to see if they favor certain sounds, words, and syllables in their adult speech patterns based on how they learned language. in other words, do the language parts of out brain develop pathways for certain words and sounds in a way that we become more predisposed to these sounds and therefore patterns of word use over time? if so, can we then record someone "speaking in tongues" to distinguish whether or not they are really channeling a higher power or randomly selecting the sounds and syllables around which their use of language has been formed?

this may be a difficult or impossible study to conduct, but that's why it is on a blog and not in a refereed journal. but, for god's sake, stop making kids cry, and knock off all that jibber jabber.

Religious Relativism...Wait, What???

so the archbishop of canterbury made the news last week with this rousing bit of logic on Sharia in Britain. in short, this so-called man of great faith thinks that Britain should allow for culture courts that settle disputes under the laws and norms of their respective communities rather than the laws of land. uhhh, you say one shouldn't have to make "the stark alternatives of cultural loyalty or state loyalty???" um, yes, they should. that is the basis for the rule of law, one of the fundamental principles of modern society. and, they should especially when half the population in these communities is ritually disenfranchised. in modern society, the only veil that should be worn is a veil of ignorance.



also, how much of a faithful leader can you be when you cannot even stick up for your own culture? as the wise christopher hitchens has said, "to hell with the archbishop of canterbury."

[A]n approach to law which simply said "there's one law for everybody and that's all there is to be said, and anything else that commands your loyalty or allegiance is completely irrelevant in the processes of the courts"—I think that's a bit of a danger.

aside from the utterly baffling philosophical implications of this quote, the more obvious fallacy should be apparent to even the simplest among us. excuse me, bishop, but is it not your job to teach that God supposedly decreed that there is one law for everybody and that is all there is to be said?

an argument for allowing weapons on airplanes

Long plane rides suck enough by themselves. But its a universal human experience to know what it is like to be imprisoned next to a complete douchebag for 6 hours (of course, we're all a douchebag to someone else). But can you imagine having to deal with this shit?

"[The flight from Johannesburg to the United States] is enough to drive anyone crazy. My solution is to go into the restroom halfway through the flight and change into workout clothes. I then do a full hour of calisthenics, crunches, push-ups and lunges in the aisle of the plane. I'll ask the stewards for a lot of those steamy washcloths, and then retreat to the restroom for a sponge bath."


Anyone who does this should set upon with the same furious and violent reaction as Richard Reid received from passengers when he tried to light his shoes on fire.

I love me some anthony bourdain

This article is pretty interesting, but the real payoff comes from a few funny mini-rants from bourdain, whose hatred for noobs is priceless. To wit, on ur-idiot Rachael Ray:

"Where the saintly Julia Child sought to raise expectations, to enlighten us, make us better — teach us — and in fact, did, [Rachael Ray] uses her strange and terrible powers to narcotize her public with her hypnotic mantra of Yummo and Evoo and Sammys. 'You're doing just fine. You don't even have to chop an onion — you can buy it already chopped. Aspire to nothing ... Just sit there. Have another Triscuit ... Sleep ... sleep ...'"

I remember one episode of Bourdain's No Reservations where he just finished a horseback ride and as they cut to a commercial he started stroking the horse's nose and making baby talk: "oh, you look just like Sarah Jessica Parker, don't you?" I laughed so hard I nearly fell off my treadmill.

almost worth moving to LA for

my god I want one of these so bad right now. A bacon-wrapped hot dog, poblano chile, mayo...wow.

But, alas, the days of the bacon-wrapped hot dog are waning, due to nanny-state bullshit from the people's republic of cahleeforneeya:

"She would love to sell bacon-wrapped hot dogs — trust her — but a trip last year to the women's county jail, a trip she says officials orchestrated to "make an example" of her, finally pushed her to give up the bacon and illegal grilling device she used for so long. Instead, she prepares dogs the only way the county Environmental Health Department currently allows, by boiling or steaming. Not grilling. And grilling is the only way to make a classic L.A. bacon-wrapped hot dog."

How much time is lost each day on YouTube?

Generally I can resist the urge but thanks to Steinberg today I'm hooked. Here are a couple of classics.






Oh yeah, go Terps!

no john mayer,

its your body thats a wonderland.


thanks to my favorite website

Apologies to my classmates...

I think it is the pizza from lunch, but I'm not quite sure.

mutually assured dudeweekend

when bitter enemies start threating nuclear strikes on each other, its good to know such calm, serious professionals are in charge.*


*yes, I know Amir Peretz is no longer in charge, but still.

The Cacklin' Cankles

"ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK"

...ugh, pantsuit

why i hate DC

Dear God. "There were the post-primary and post-SOTU phone conversations, in which Walters, a lobbyist for the Livingston Group, conference-called her closest friends inside the Beltway. They spent hours dissecting what was said and what was worn...Naturally, there will be a Super Tuesday bash tonight..."But seriously," says Walters, 35. "Doesn't everyone do this?"

But seriously, fuck you. Now where did I put my machine gun?

Undefeated: Jerk Coach :: 1976: ?

Who is this smiling man? You might not recognize him when he's not lashing out at 19 year olds. Turns out old Bobby Knight is calling it quits. Here's Dude Weekend's salute to the hoosierist of all daddies.

Words I'm Trying To Incorporate Into My Lexicon

Ragamuffin

Scrimshaw

Ne'er-do-well

Lexicon

Torpid

Whatever the plural of "clitoris" is

Phlegmatic

Kafkaesque

Sinewy

Methinks

people who look like people

I don't really like Paul McCartney...he can write a catchy tune, and being a member of the beatles is worth something, but today he annoys me with his earnestness about everything, music, culture, the environment, self-promotion. Plus, his website is a pain in the ass to navigate and slows down my piece of shit computer, which forces me to spend more time looking at pictures of him, which further upsets me. Need other reasons? He is signed to Starbucks' record label. Yes, that Starbucks. The terrible symmetry of this marriage is self-evident.

But the other day I though that Macca looks alot like a grizzled, older K.D. Lang. Check it out:

and...

18-1. Choke on it, you dick.

That was easily the best superbowl I have ever seen and likely the best ever. When you combine all the threads- undefeated season on the line, the Pat's "unstoppable" offense, Eli's maturation into a bigtime qb (yes, I will say that now), a rematch of the last game of the season, how close it was throughout, 4th quarter lead changes, game winning drives, all of that- its tough to see how another superbowl tops this one.


And yeah, I know this is a cheap shot but its also so easy. I like Brady and think by the time he retires he could make a legitimate claim to being the game's best QB. But this post isnt about Brady, or the rest of the Pats players who regardless of everything else put together a hell of a season. Its about Belichick, an asshole of the highest caliber. If its not forcing players with concussions to go full contact in practice, cheating, acting like a petulant shit when one of his coaches leaves (gasp!) to take a head coaching job, or rudely shoving a cameraman, (this guy chronicles a few more of Belichick's nicer moments) its leaving the field when the game lays unfinished. A classy move by a classy man. Losing the Superbowl and fucking up the perfect season couldnt have happened to a nicer guy.

My schadenfreude is tempered by the fact that I have to look forward to about a week of hearing that sentimental dipshit Mercury Morris run his mouth. Please. Get back on the golf course, relax, age gracefully, and try not to be so transparently bitter.

I'm Archie Manning, and I Am Super Dad!!!!!

my sperm is like gold encrusted diamonds on a watch made of titanium jesus testicles...my sons fucking rock!!!! i was not very good so i live vicariously through them...fuck yeah!!!

P.S.-bill simmons, i hope you are curled up in the fetal position, you douche bag

P.S.S.-not my words, but just as sweet (hat tip: chamomiles davis from deadspin)

Peyton Manning - beats Patriots in AFC Championship; wins Super Bowl XLI
Eli Manning - beats Patriots to win Super Bowl XLII; wins MVP
Mannings vs. Boston - who owns whom?

the mobile leprechaun

This is awesome on so many levels. I love the sketch of the alleged leprechaun, the astute observation that its maybe just a crackhead, the guy with the camo and the flute, and on and on and on. I would give the producer of this story some type of award. But given the historical tension between the black and leprechaun communities, these witnesses should be running for their lives...

More Top Gun deleted scenes

The maulana is right- tom cruise’s reputation, if not his career, is taking a swan dive into the shitter. The creepy scientology videos, the secrecy, the gradual transformation of once-sexy katie holmes into a taller, more masculine version of tom cruise, etc… This he can recover from. But the exclusive material that dudeweekend has obtained over the past few days puts his entire career into question. So here, direct from Paramount Pictures most secret vaults, is more of the original top gun dialogue and, for the first time, a still that was cut from the original version.

SCENE

[a nondescript hangar, shortly before a scheduled air combat “hop”]

Maverick: “I fly million dollar airplanes, and they can’t do something about this heat? I poured about a pound of Gold Bond down the front and back of my flight suit this morning, and it didn’t do a thing.”

Goose: “fuck this, it feels like we are in the Gobi desert- I’m getting a rash…”

Maverick: “Check out Iceman over there…he looks so fresh and comfortable. How does he do it? Man I hate that guy.”

Goose: “You know what’s not sexy? These sweat stains on the asscrack of my flight suit.”

Maverick: “Wait, why are you wearing a polo shirt and carrying a briefcase?”

SCENE

[Iceman confronts Maverick in a tense locker room encounter]

Iceman: “what the fuck! I walk in to the locker room and find my RIO fooling around with someone else? He sits in MY backseat for a reason!”

Busted, Slider looks on sheepishy while using the towel to clean off

Maverick: “Wait, Kaczinsky, I didn’t…we werent”

Iceman interrupts Maverick

Iceman: “Fuck you Mav- you’ve got a reputation, and I know how you operate. He was trying you on like a new baseball glove!”

Maverick gets in Iceman’s face, shaking his fist in anger

Maverick: “OK! So what if I was? All that shirtless flexing during volleyball…mmm… can you blame me? I like bears, ok! My backseater wore sweatpants. It looked like he was ready to do Jazzercise, not hit the showers.”

In the background Goose enthusiastically sings a few lines of Kenny Loggin’s “Playin with the Boys”

Goose: “Knock, knock, knockin on wood/ Bodies workin’ overtime/ Man against man”

Slider: “anyone seen my watch?”

This is the screen test from the guy who was originally slated to play the role of Kelly McGillis. A producer’s note obtained by dudeweekend says that he should be cut because of the spiderweb tattoo on his shoulder. They thought it was “too gay.”

Give me a break

Are you fucking kidding me? Is this really an issue for Congress to be concerning themselves with? The last thing they need to be concerning themselves with is a fucking issue that the NFL dealt with promptly and appropriately 5 MONTHS AGO!

The dog and pony shows in Congress really need to stop. Seriously, how does this even fall under their realm of remotely fucking important compared with other stuff like, oh, war, protection of civil liberties, blah, blah, blah. The steriods thing kind of makes sense considering they are illegal substances under US law, but that is still a situation where Congress is unnecessarily inserting themselves.

However, this comment really takes the cake and has my bloodpressure going this morning:

"That requires an explanation," Specter told The Times. "The NFL has a very preferred status in our country with their antitrust exemption. The American people are entitled to be sure about the integrity of the game. It's analogous to the CIA destruction of tapes, or any time you have records destroyed."

Seriously? This is the same as the CIA destroying tapes that relate to national security and the protection of human rights? FUCK YOU!

With all due respect Senator Spector, it may be time for you to retire and pass America's future to someone who understands the importance of the office you hold.

Favorite New Band

I saw these guys last night for the second time. It was a kickass show. Check out a couple of their tracks on Myspace.

welcome to costco, i love you

if there is one thing stan wolansky knows, its fiscal and monetary policy. This 1/2 point rate cut strikes me as panicky, exactly the kind of thing that inspires confidence.


Hey America! (stimulus) package for you!

Update! 17,000wned.

Islamic Idol

Tonight I will be performing a song from my favorite band of all time, Huey Newton and the News.

BOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Top Gun? More Like Sloppy Fun!

when it rains it pours...especially for tom cruise. most recently, videos have leaked in which minnie mouse rants like a looney about the tenets of scientology. before that there was his soul-sucking ability to transform a once adorable katie holmes into a completely peaked, androgynous tragedy. the guy is either jim jones driving the kool-aid wagon (yes, both the cult and homosexual references are intentional) or one step away from standing bedraggled in a mcdonalds trying like moses to part the ball pit. but, a new "scandal" has been uncovered that could tarnish his image of the young, suave star that moonshot his career. yes, it turns out that top gun was originally not supposed the testosterone-filled fighter pilot story that many have come to adore...at least that was not originally the main thrust of the story (*ding* first gay joke). true story, after focus group screenings of the original version, the studio had to scramble to completely re-dub all the actors' lines to give the story more mass appeal. the final product worked extremely well, but now the original dialogue has leaked. it turns out, the airplanes and flight suits were just a backdrop for a more touching story...the search for a towel and some pussy, as long as that pussy was attached to sexy, sexy men.

here is a Dude Weekend sneakpeak at a few of america's favorite scenes:



SCENE

[below deck on an aircraft carrier, outside commander stinger's office following a flight mission]

Goose: "mav, man, it's so fucking hot in here...i mean look at my face. i look like someone spritzed me with a hose."
Maverick: "tell me about it. my flight suit was pitted out by the time i got to the mees hall this morning. i mean look at the air in the hallway. are there lava rocks around here somewhere because if it's going to be this steamy i want a bunch of glistening gym-fags walking around pitchin' towel rods."
Goose: "seriously, i mean is it too fucking hard to get a goddamn towel or at least a rag on this rust bucket...FUUUUUCK!!! anyone?!?!?"
Maverick: "wait, why are we here anyway?"
Goose: "well, i never did too good in high school on account of huffing farts and sharpies most days and the benefits are..."
Maverick: "not 'why are we here on this ship, in the navy,' dipshit. i mean why are we sweating like a bush babies outside stinger's office?"
Goose: "i have no idea..."

all of a sudden the door to the office slams and a fellow pilot storms past down the hall

Goose: "mav, did you see that...i think he had..."
Maverick: "god, it looked so dry and plush. do you think that was egyptian cotton?"
Goose: "wingman me, mav, i am goin' after 'em..."
Maverick: "goose, wait..."




SCENE

[locker room of top gun facilities]

Maverick: "goose, man, i thought for sure being here at top gun would mean more than just a skimpy towel...and A LITTLE FUCKING A/C OR AT LEAST A FAN, FOR CHRISSAKES!!!!"
Slider: "shut up, maverick, it's already too hot in here without you opening your piehole. even the walls are beading up in here..."
Goose: "dude, i just got out of the shower and i am already dripping sweat. mav, i think i am having a coronary or a panic attack or something... i can't breathe, man, and i can actually feel my heart hitting my sternum. i just need to sit back and rest for a sec..."
Goose: "dude, why are you standing so close to me with your leg up like that?"



SCENE

[beach volleyball court on top gun campus. in the background Kenny Loggins' "Playing with the Boys" is in the air.]

ICEMAN: "awwwwww, shit yeah, bitches...let's play some mu-fuckin' v-ball. ay ya, hangin' with the boys/ HANGIN' WITH THE BOOOOOYYYYYYSSSSS!!!!"
GOOSE: "it's 'playing with the boys," dick knuckle, now serve it up."
ICEMAN: "shit, man, it sounds like 'hanging.' no bother though, it still makes me want to hop in my teal geo tracker and cruise south beach with the top down. now that's what i call buns of fun...mmmmmm."
SLIDER: AAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

GOOSE: "dude, what the hell was that?!?! this is volleyball. you're not lawrence fucking taylor..."
SLIDER: "eat my ass, goose. you're the only one here dressed like the fat kid in gym class. nice cut-off george micheal sweatshirt. are you here to play some ball or jazzercise? ice, serve it up."
MAVERICK: "wait, guys. seriously. i can't see a damn thing...don't serve yet. shit, that stings...ahhhhh, geez. there's something in my eye. it fucking burns. goose, help me, man...dammit, i knew i should have worn a bandana. seriously, is it always this hot? FUUUUUUUCK..."

Pickle Lickin' and Corporate Pedophilia

when i first saw this video on The Soup over the summer, i thought to myself, "now that's just creepy." nevermind the fact that the little girl looks like she is either in the middle of a grand mal siezure or the type of person in constant need of someone to tie her shoes. this kind of shit is a peodphile's dream...and it's on youtube and basic cable!!! WOO HOO!!! normative judgment aside, this clip is funny as hell.

but, at what point does pickle lickin' end and filthy exploitation begin? i am a sucker for celebrity gossip because i love entropy and dislike the self-important. so, when i recently read of this, i was instantly reminded of this.

holy shit!!! we're bringing sexy back, and this time EVERYONE'S invited. don't let teachers and tests get you down. fuck no!!! you're a diva, sister.

i cannot believe this type of thing is acceptable. the vapid, botoxed charlatans and marketeers that try to spoon feed this disgusting tripe to the public are just as culpable in peddling child pornography as any lecherous creep trolling social networking sites...the only difference is the former get to wear suits and get rich while they stroke it.

One more voice to the chorus

I can't let this one pass without comment. $32 f-ing million in one month! 170,000 new donors! This is fucking democracy in action. This is campaign is not about policies. It is about electing a man who could actually inspire individuals to do what is best for our community and our society. It has been said a million times but we haven't seen true leadership like this since JFK. No other candidate comes close to the universal appeal as Obama, and don't give me bullshit about no experience. He has served in elected office longer than Hillary Clinton (sorry, riding your husbands coattails doesn't count) and will certainly surround himself with the right people from day one.

Imagine the type of inaugural address we could have on January 20, 2009. I guarantee that it will give you chills.

With Clinton we are guaranteed at least four years of constant attacks from the right starting day one. And we get the added bonus of reliving the ridiculous scandals of the 1990's. Good luck getting any piece of major legislation passed!

Smackdown!

The last thing I want to do is get involved in a debate of the plausibility of Mormonism. However, I can't deny the smackdown Hertzberg lays on Romney in his New Yorker blog post . As Hertzberg clearly points out you can't have it both ways and say that there should not be a religious litmus test for candidates, then profess your belief that Jesus is the Son of God (in effect playing right into the litmus test you just denounced), then become upset when people question the tenets of you own religious faith (which has many detractors including many of the largest Christian denominations in the US).

Romney should have taken a page out of JFK's playbook and stated that as president he will only answer to the American people, not the President of his church. I think that would have finally ended this discussion.

its all about force protection

Imagine, for a moment, that you were one of the Iraqis who volunteered their services as translators for the U.S. military. In return, what were you expecting? Probably not this. I imagine a gruff U.S. soldier yelling "Hey Ahmed! You really want to be helpful? Why dont you take your Huffy and go recon that street up ahead? Make sure to give a little kick to any strange boxes by the side of the road!"


Jesus. Forget asylum in the U.S., or even a chance to fight for a spot on the skids of the last helicopter out of the Green Zone, how about just letting him ride in the humvee? Even the little Iraqi street urchins in the background are laughing in anticipation of how spectacularly he is going to get his shit wrecked.

Africa...still?

Looks like it's about time for another charity concert. Somewhere Sting is warming up and sipping hot Rooibos tea.

DOES THIS LOOK EMPTY TO YOU?

In 1993 a movie came out called "This Boy's Life." A number of recognizeable actors had a role, including Robert DeNiro, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, Ellen Barkin, and a few others. Its basically the story of a mom (Barkin) and her son (DiCaprio) trying to make ends meet in the hardscrabble rural blah blah blah. DeNiro plays the husband who alternates between terrorizing his wife and beating the shit out of his stepson.


Why do I think of this movie now? Because of this guy. Your takeaway? "Wittman has reportedly said that he “wanted his child to be tough ... to be the toughest cage fighter ever.”

and on the eighth day...

Isnt there something in the bible about this?

I'm a classical fan myself...

The shirt says it all...

For the seafood lover...

After a Red Lobster commercial mentioned their Cheddar Bay Biscuits, I wondered: are they "bay biscuits" flavored with cheese, or did Red Lobster create a fictitious place called Cheddar Bay that is known for its delicious, cheesy biscuits???

Mission Statement

because our nonsense demands an outlet