Islamic Idol

Tonight I will be performing a song from my favorite band of all time, Huey Newton and the News.

BOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Top Gun? More Like Sloppy Fun!

when it rains it pours...especially for tom cruise. most recently, videos have leaked in which minnie mouse rants like a looney about the tenets of scientology. before that there was his soul-sucking ability to transform a once adorable katie holmes into a completely peaked, androgynous tragedy. the guy is either jim jones driving the kool-aid wagon (yes, both the cult and homosexual references are intentional) or one step away from standing bedraggled in a mcdonalds trying like moses to part the ball pit. but, a new "scandal" has been uncovered that could tarnish his image of the young, suave star that moonshot his career. yes, it turns out that top gun was originally not supposed the testosterone-filled fighter pilot story that many have come to adore...at least that was not originally the main thrust of the story (*ding* first gay joke). true story, after focus group screenings of the original version, the studio had to scramble to completely re-dub all the actors' lines to give the story more mass appeal. the final product worked extremely well, but now the original dialogue has leaked. it turns out, the airplanes and flight suits were just a backdrop for a more touching story...the search for a towel and some pussy, as long as that pussy was attached to sexy, sexy men.

here is a Dude Weekend sneakpeak at a few of america's favorite scenes:



SCENE

[below deck on an aircraft carrier, outside commander stinger's office following a flight mission]

Goose: "mav, man, it's so fucking hot in here...i mean look at my face. i look like someone spritzed me with a hose."
Maverick: "tell me about it. my flight suit was pitted out by the time i got to the mees hall this morning. i mean look at the air in the hallway. are there lava rocks around here somewhere because if it's going to be this steamy i want a bunch of glistening gym-fags walking around pitchin' towel rods."
Goose: "seriously, i mean is it too fucking hard to get a goddamn towel or at least a rag on this rust bucket...FUUUUUCK!!! anyone?!?!?"
Maverick: "wait, why are we here anyway?"
Goose: "well, i never did too good in high school on account of huffing farts and sharpies most days and the benefits are..."
Maverick: "not 'why are we here on this ship, in the navy,' dipshit. i mean why are we sweating like a bush babies outside stinger's office?"
Goose: "i have no idea..."

all of a sudden the door to the office slams and a fellow pilot storms past down the hall

Goose: "mav, did you see that...i think he had..."
Maverick: "god, it looked so dry and plush. do you think that was egyptian cotton?"
Goose: "wingman me, mav, i am goin' after 'em..."
Maverick: "goose, wait..."




SCENE

[locker room of top gun facilities]

Maverick: "goose, man, i thought for sure being here at top gun would mean more than just a skimpy towel...and A LITTLE FUCKING A/C OR AT LEAST A FAN, FOR CHRISSAKES!!!!"
Slider: "shut up, maverick, it's already too hot in here without you opening your piehole. even the walls are beading up in here..."
Goose: "dude, i just got out of the shower and i am already dripping sweat. mav, i think i am having a coronary or a panic attack or something... i can't breathe, man, and i can actually feel my heart hitting my sternum. i just need to sit back and rest for a sec..."
Goose: "dude, why are you standing so close to me with your leg up like that?"



SCENE

[beach volleyball court on top gun campus. in the background Kenny Loggins' "Playing with the Boys" is in the air.]

ICEMAN: "awwwwww, shit yeah, bitches...let's play some mu-fuckin' v-ball. ay ya, hangin' with the boys/ HANGIN' WITH THE BOOOOOYYYYYYSSSSS!!!!"
GOOSE: "it's 'playing with the boys," dick knuckle, now serve it up."
ICEMAN: "shit, man, it sounds like 'hanging.' no bother though, it still makes me want to hop in my teal geo tracker and cruise south beach with the top down. now that's what i call buns of fun...mmmmmm."
SLIDER: AAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

GOOSE: "dude, what the hell was that?!?! this is volleyball. you're not lawrence fucking taylor..."
SLIDER: "eat my ass, goose. you're the only one here dressed like the fat kid in gym class. nice cut-off george micheal sweatshirt. are you here to play some ball or jazzercise? ice, serve it up."
MAVERICK: "wait, guys. seriously. i can't see a damn thing...don't serve yet. shit, that stings...ahhhhh, geez. there's something in my eye. it fucking burns. goose, help me, man...dammit, i knew i should have worn a bandana. seriously, is it always this hot? FUUUUUUUCK..."

Pickle Lickin' and Corporate Pedophilia

when i first saw this video on The Soup over the summer, i thought to myself, "now that's just creepy." nevermind the fact that the little girl looks like she is either in the middle of a grand mal siezure or the type of person in constant need of someone to tie her shoes. this kind of shit is a peodphile's dream...and it's on youtube and basic cable!!! WOO HOO!!! normative judgment aside, this clip is funny as hell.

but, at what point does pickle lickin' end and filthy exploitation begin? i am a sucker for celebrity gossip because i love entropy and dislike the self-important. so, when i recently read of this, i was instantly reminded of this.

holy shit!!! we're bringing sexy back, and this time EVERYONE'S invited. don't let teachers and tests get you down. fuck no!!! you're a diva, sister.

i cannot believe this type of thing is acceptable. the vapid, botoxed charlatans and marketeers that try to spoon feed this disgusting tripe to the public are just as culpable in peddling child pornography as any lecherous creep trolling social networking sites...the only difference is the former get to wear suits and get rich while they stroke it.

One more voice to the chorus

I can't let this one pass without comment. $32 f-ing million in one month! 170,000 new donors! This is fucking democracy in action. This is campaign is not about policies. It is about electing a man who could actually inspire individuals to do what is best for our community and our society. It has been said a million times but we haven't seen true leadership like this since JFK. No other candidate comes close to the universal appeal as Obama, and don't give me bullshit about no experience. He has served in elected office longer than Hillary Clinton (sorry, riding your husbands coattails doesn't count) and will certainly surround himself with the right people from day one.

Imagine the type of inaugural address we could have on January 20, 2009. I guarantee that it will give you chills.

With Clinton we are guaranteed at least four years of constant attacks from the right starting day one. And we get the added bonus of reliving the ridiculous scandals of the 1990's. Good luck getting any piece of major legislation passed!

Smackdown!

The last thing I want to do is get involved in a debate of the plausibility of Mormonism. However, I can't deny the smackdown Hertzberg lays on Romney in his New Yorker blog post . As Hertzberg clearly points out you can't have it both ways and say that there should not be a religious litmus test for candidates, then profess your belief that Jesus is the Son of God (in effect playing right into the litmus test you just denounced), then become upset when people question the tenets of you own religious faith (which has many detractors including many of the largest Christian denominations in the US).

Romney should have taken a page out of JFK's playbook and stated that as president he will only answer to the American people, not the President of his church. I think that would have finally ended this discussion.

its all about force protection

Imagine, for a moment, that you were one of the Iraqis who volunteered their services as translators for the U.S. military. In return, what were you expecting? Probably not this. I imagine a gruff U.S. soldier yelling "Hey Ahmed! You really want to be helpful? Why dont you take your Huffy and go recon that street up ahead? Make sure to give a little kick to any strange boxes by the side of the road!"


Jesus. Forget asylum in the U.S., or even a chance to fight for a spot on the skids of the last helicopter out of the Green Zone, how about just letting him ride in the humvee? Even the little Iraqi street urchins in the background are laughing in anticipation of how spectacularly he is going to get his shit wrecked.

Africa...still?

Looks like it's about time for another charity concert. Somewhere Sting is warming up and sipping hot Rooibos tea.

DOES THIS LOOK EMPTY TO YOU?

In 1993 a movie came out called "This Boy's Life." A number of recognizeable actors had a role, including Robert DeNiro, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, Ellen Barkin, and a few others. Its basically the story of a mom (Barkin) and her son (DiCaprio) trying to make ends meet in the hardscrabble rural blah blah blah. DeNiro plays the husband who alternates between terrorizing his wife and beating the shit out of his stepson.


Why do I think of this movie now? Because of this guy. Your takeaway? "Wittman has reportedly said that he “wanted his child to be tough ... to be the toughest cage fighter ever.”

and on the eighth day...

Isnt there something in the bible about this?

I'm a classical fan myself...

The shirt says it all...

For the seafood lover...

After a Red Lobster commercial mentioned their Cheddar Bay Biscuits, I wondered: are they "bay biscuits" flavored with cheese, or did Red Lobster create a fictitious place called Cheddar Bay that is known for its delicious, cheesy biscuits???

Mission Statement

because our nonsense demands an outlet