Top Gun? More Like Sloppy Fun!

when it rains it pours...especially for tom cruise. most recently, videos have leaked in which minnie mouse rants like a looney about the tenets of scientology. before that there was his soul-sucking ability to transform a once adorable katie holmes into a completely peaked, androgynous tragedy. the guy is either jim jones driving the kool-aid wagon (yes, both the cult and homosexual references are intentional) or one step away from standing bedraggled in a mcdonalds trying like moses to part the ball pit. but, a new "scandal" has been uncovered that could tarnish his image of the young, suave star that moonshot his career. yes, it turns out that top gun was originally not supposed the testosterone-filled fighter pilot story that many have come to adore...at least that was not originally the main thrust of the story (*ding* first gay joke). true story, after focus group screenings of the original version, the studio had to scramble to completely re-dub all the actors' lines to give the story more mass appeal. the final product worked extremely well, but now the original dialogue has leaked. it turns out, the airplanes and flight suits were just a backdrop for a more touching story...the search for a towel and some pussy, as long as that pussy was attached to sexy, sexy men.

here is a Dude Weekend sneakpeak at a few of america's favorite scenes:



SCENE

[below deck on an aircraft carrier, outside commander stinger's office following a flight mission]

Goose: "mav, man, it's so fucking hot in here...i mean look at my face. i look like someone spritzed me with a hose."
Maverick: "tell me about it. my flight suit was pitted out by the time i got to the mees hall this morning. i mean look at the air in the hallway. are there lava rocks around here somewhere because if it's going to be this steamy i want a bunch of glistening gym-fags walking around pitchin' towel rods."
Goose: "seriously, i mean is it too fucking hard to get a goddamn towel or at least a rag on this rust bucket...FUUUUUCK!!! anyone?!?!?"
Maverick: "wait, why are we here anyway?"
Goose: "well, i never did too good in high school on account of huffing farts and sharpies most days and the benefits are..."
Maverick: "not 'why are we here on this ship, in the navy,' dipshit. i mean why are we sweating like a bush babies outside stinger's office?"
Goose: "i have no idea..."

all of a sudden the door to the office slams and a fellow pilot storms past down the hall

Goose: "mav, did you see that...i think he had..."
Maverick: "god, it looked so dry and plush. do you think that was egyptian cotton?"
Goose: "wingman me, mav, i am goin' after 'em..."
Maverick: "goose, wait..."




SCENE

[locker room of top gun facilities]

Maverick: "goose, man, i thought for sure being here at top gun would mean more than just a skimpy towel...and A LITTLE FUCKING A/C OR AT LEAST A FAN, FOR CHRISSAKES!!!!"
Slider: "shut up, maverick, it's already too hot in here without you opening your piehole. even the walls are beading up in here..."
Goose: "dude, i just got out of the shower and i am already dripping sweat. mav, i think i am having a coronary or a panic attack or something... i can't breathe, man, and i can actually feel my heart hitting my sternum. i just need to sit back and rest for a sec..."
Goose: "dude, why are you standing so close to me with your leg up like that?"



SCENE

[beach volleyball court on top gun campus. in the background Kenny Loggins' "Playing with the Boys" is in the air.]

ICEMAN: "awwwwww, shit yeah, bitches...let's play some mu-fuckin' v-ball. ay ya, hangin' with the boys/ HANGIN' WITH THE BOOOOOYYYYYYSSSSS!!!!"
GOOSE: "it's 'playing with the boys," dick knuckle, now serve it up."
ICEMAN: "shit, man, it sounds like 'hanging.' no bother though, it still makes me want to hop in my teal geo tracker and cruise south beach with the top down. now that's what i call buns of fun...mmmmmm."
SLIDER: AAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

GOOSE: "dude, what the hell was that?!?! this is volleyball. you're not lawrence fucking taylor..."
SLIDER: "eat my ass, goose. you're the only one here dressed like the fat kid in gym class. nice cut-off george micheal sweatshirt. are you here to play some ball or jazzercise? ice, serve it up."
MAVERICK: "wait, guys. seriously. i can't see a damn thing...don't serve yet. shit, that stings...ahhhhh, geez. there's something in my eye. it fucking burns. goose, help me, man...dammit, i knew i should have worn a bandana. seriously, is it always this hot? FUUUUUUUCK..."