Dude Endorsement

I got a new computer w/o Microsoft Office - but Google Docs is saving the day. Not only does it do all the basic stuff I need, it's portable. Holy smokes.

Word!

My cell phone has a text message function where if I enter a letter and scroll through it, it will attempt to guess the full word I am trying to type by entering in what it perceives as words that I commonly use (so if I typed an "h" it might fill in "hello"). However, the following list of words that consistently come up when I scroll through all the letters has me a bit concerned about the words I use the most often. Here, apparently, are all of the most popular words I use in text messages:

Handjob

Jew-town

Library

Mustache

Schindlers

Rerun

Shits

Tobacco

Year!

Zit

Moment of your time, sir?

Scene: large, nondescript convention center. A couple strolls through the aisles, lazily checking out the merchandise.

Salesboy: "Afternoon sir! Where are you off to so fast? No rush here! Why don't you step on over here for a minute. I have something you MUST see."

Man: "Excuse me?"

Salesboy: "You know why I singled you out? No huh? Well its because I could tell that youre the type of guy who loves a bargain! Am I right? Eh? Eh? See you're smiling!"

Man: "Well I'm not really looking right now...wait...Shouldnt you be in school? How old are you?"

Salesboy: "Hey, we're not here to talk about me, lets talk about you. My age is not important. Ill tell you what is though, its this fine piece of machinery right here. Let me show you something. Step on over here. Take this. Boy howdy, check that out. You look like you were born with that in your hand!"

Man: "Well, this looks nice, but I'm worried about the craftmanship"

Salesboy turns to the man's wife, flashes toothy insincere grin: "Quite a sharp husband you got here ma'am, bet its hard to get anything by on him!"

/winks at man

"So let me get a handle on this my friend- I can call you friend, right? You gotta believe your own eyes. My job is to help you get a bargain, nothing else. Ill tell you what, the craftsmanship on this piece is totally %110 professional grade. We stand behind everything we sell. I've been selling these to men like yourself for years and never had an unsatisfied..."

Man: "Wait. Years? How old are you?"

Salesboy: "8 going on 35 my friend. But let me tell you in- all my years of sales I've never seen someone whose more of a natural holding that thing as you. Whattya say I go ahead and ring you up. I'll even give you a %5 discount I only give to my friends."

/ winks at wife

Wife (whispering to Husband): "Honey this kid is creeping me out, let's go"

/ Man drops item on the table, quickly begins to walk away with wife

Salesboy: "Where you headed friend? I'll tell you what, %10! And I'll throw in this carrying case too! Its real nice! Well hey, I know you need some time to think about it. Ill be here until Tuesday. If you come back, remember to ask for Charlie!"

/turns back to throng of people

"Excuse me sir, you dropped something! Oh, no sir I'm just joshin' ya. But while you're over here Ive got something you need to see..."

Stan Wolansky on the clock

People will know that few things infuriate me more that the idiotic idea that it is worth taking a running back early in the NFL Draft. And definitely fuck trading up to get one. Mark my words, if I were a GM, I would NEVER take a running back in the first two rounds of the draft. EVER. If Jesus Christ came back to earth wearing #22 and won four straight Heismans (of course Jesus would stay for all 4 years), I wouldn't even look his way until the 3rd round. And then I'd listen to anyone who wanted to swap picks to come up and get him. I'm looking for a linebacker.

You want to talk about how to draft in the first couple rounds? Take a look at the The Jets in 2006. Franchise Left Tackle D'Brickashaw Ferguson and franchise Center Nick Mangold? Stellar. Kellen Clemens in Rd. 2 was also worth a flyer because Nick Mangold's sister is stronger than starter Chad Pennington. Thats how to fucking draft.

Anyways whats my reasoning on the running back position? Part of it is my visceral hate of Reggie Bush, perhaps the most overhyped, underperforming running back ever to play in the NFL. Remember how every sportscaster and analyst got their panties in a twist because the Texans passed on Bush to take Mario Williams? They dont know shit. Williams absolutely exploded last year, with 14 sacks. The only thing about Reggie Bush that exploded was his left knee.

But moving from the emotional to the strategic, the gap between "great" running backs and "very good" running backs is vanishingly small. More times than not, the gap has nothing to do with skill, its just hype, or because X running back measured 3 inches shorter than Y running back. Fuck that. What matters more is the quality of your O-line (see Broncos, Denver). Also, no other position gets beat up and injured as much as a running back. You cant really count on continued production because the risk of a season or career-ending injury is too great. But lets go to the tape. Here are the starting running backs for all 32 teams (some pairs for teams that do it by platoon), and their draft positions:

NFC

Cowboys- Marion Barber/ Julius Jones Round: 4 (4.5 YPC) and Round 2 (3.9 YPC)
Giants- Brandon Jacobs/Ahmad Bradshaw Round: 4 (4.6 YPC) and Round: 7 (8.3 YPC)
Eagles- Brian Westbrook Round: 3 (4.7 YPC)
Redskins- Clinton Portis Round: 2 (4.5 YPC)
Cardinals- Edgerrin James Round: 1 (4.1 YPC)
49'ers- Frank Gore Round: 3 (4.9 YPC)
Seahawks- Shaun Alexander Round: 1 (4.3 YPC)
Rams- Steven Jackson Round: 1 (4.4 YPC)
Bears- Cedric Benson Round: 1 (3.8 YPC)
Lions- Tatum Bell Round: 2 (4.8 YPC)
Packers- Ryan Grant UNDRAFTED (5.1 YPC)
Vikings- Adrian Peterson/Chester Taylor Round: 1 (5.6 YPC) and Round: 6 (4.4 YPC)
Falcons- Warrick Dunn Round: 1 (4.1 YPC)
Panthers- DeAngelo Williams Round: 1 (4.6 YPC)
Saints- Deuce McAllister/ Reggie Bush Round: 1 (4.3 YPC) and Round: 1 (3.7 YPC)
Bucs- Earnest Graham UNDRAFTED (4.1 YPC)

AFC

Bills- Marshawn Lynch Round: 1 (4.0 YPC)
Dolphins- Ronnie Brown Round:1 (4.4 YPC)
Patriots- Lawrence Maroney Round: 1 (4.4 YPC)
Jets- Thomas Jones Round:1 (3.9 YPC)
Broncos- Travis Henry Round:2 (4.1 YPC)
Chiefs-Larry Johnson Round:1 (4.5 YPC)
Raiders- Justin Fargas Round:3 (4.2 YPC)
Chargers- LaDanian Tomlinson Round:1 (4.5 YPC)
Ravens- Willis McGahee Round:1 (4.1 YPC)
Bengals-Rudi Johnson Round: 4 (4.0 YPC)
Browns- Jamal Lewis Round:1 (4.3 YPC)
Steelers- Willie Parker UNDRAFTED (4.4 YPC)
Colts- Joseph Addai Round: 1 (4.4 YPC)
Texans- Ahman Green Round: 3 (4.5 YPC)
Titans- Lendale White Round: 2 (3.7 YPC)
Jaguars- Fred Taylor Round:1 (4.7 YPC)/ Maurice Jones Drew Round: 2 (5.1 YPC)

Besides Reggie Bush sucking it up with a 3.7 YPC average (lowest among first rounders, yay!), what else is important? Well here are the YPC averages grouped by what round they were drafted in:

Round 1: 4.32 YPC (19)
Round 2: 4.35 YPC (6)
Round 3: 4.57 YPC (4)
Round 4: 4.36 YPC (3)
Round 6: 4.4 YPC (1)
Round 7: 8.3 YPC (1)
Undrafted: 4.53 YPC (3)

As you can see, the worst rounds for running backs were the 1st and 2nd, while the best were 3rd and Undrafted (I feel safe arguing that Ahmad Bradshaw is probably not going to rush for 8.3 YPG next year). The metric is debateable, but I think career YPC is probably a pretty damn accurate measure of overall effectiveness.

"Ah," you might say, "you didn't take into account touchdowns, or longevity, or % of picks who 'bust'!" This is true, but I also didn't take into account salaries. Average salary for a first round pick? In 2007 it was about $5-6 million per year. Closer to the top pick, the more expensive it gets. JaMarcus Russell, the no. 1 pick last year, signed a 6 year, $61 million contract. The aforementioned Reggie Bush? 6 year, $52.5 million, not including the illegal bennies from an agent while at USC. For someone whose career so far has mostly involved getting cockroached and hiding behind huge asses (the New Orleans offensive line, not Kim Kardashian), its good work if you can get it. On the other side, the Packers last year paid Ryan Grant $310,000. The Giants signed their Superbowl RB to a 4 year contract at $1.7 million. Lets say you're a GM and you've got $52.5 million to pick up a RB. You want to sign Reggie Bush, (who sucks in case you forgot), or 169 undrafted RB's in the hope that 1 might be able to get you more than 3.7 YPC? I know what I would take.

I will forecast this right now. Darren McFadden will be drafted high, paid an obscene amount of money and maybe, like Purple Jesus, have a great game or two and lodge a few jaw-dropping plays. But at the end of the season, another running back dug out of the second day will put up similar, if not better, stats for a hell of a lot less money.

God's Matchup...

Okay, I realize that the Post columnists are obvious homers for Georgetown. Hell, it is nice to know that they have enough full time columnists left to call homers. Anyway, I think Boswell and Steinberg need to rethink their bitching about Davidson having home court advantage yesterday. Seriously, are you going to tell me that a #10, whose tallest player is 6-8, from a school of 2000 students total (my high school was bigger!) was at a disadvantage playing in a arena roughly halfway from Charlotte and DC (Charlotte to Raleigh is 3 hours; DC to Raleigh is 4 hours). Come on!! Let's be honest for a second. Georgetown lost that game. End of story. Write all you want about the refs, the crowd, whatever...They lost a game that they should have won especially when they were up 17 points in the second half. Let me say that again, you were up 17 points in the second half and you have one of the best defenses in the country.

With only your team to blame of the loss it is kind of weak to use the crowd argument. I would bet that the crowd would have reacted the same way in any arena not called the Verizon Center. It is called pulling for the underdog. People love that shit...in fact they have made entire movies based on the idea.

Will Davidson be the next George Mason (or better yet, Gonzaga)? Probably not...but Friday, and maybe Sunday, will be fun to watch. And as much credit as Curry gets (and he deserves every bit of it), I think it is obvious that Richardson is really driving that train. Without him this team would have lost yesterday.

Random Rules: DW Edition

For those not familiar with it, The Onion AV Club has a feature called "Random Rules" where they get a musician or celebrity to set their mp3 players on random, play a bunch of tracks, and comment on whatever pops up. It's an interesting insight into their artistry, so in an attempt to feign both insight and artistry I propose we all do the same. I'll start:

Ratt's Random Rules:

1. Cursive: There's A Coldest Day In Every Year (from the album "The Difference Between Houses and Homes)

I adore Cursive's last three albums; they were all concept albums that didn't get up their own ass in pretense and actually presented some impressive allegories and symbolism. And they managed to reinvent their style through each album with the introduction of a cellist or horn section. But Cursive has been around for a lot longer than those three albums; they have many many more that dip back into the emo days, and quite frankly their music from that era is bland and atonal. This album is actually a B-Sides collection, so I don't expect much more, and the track pretty much lives up to my expectations. Hey, Tim, it's called an electronic tuner. They're not expensive. I purged my iPod of all the older Cursive stuff, but perhaps left this B-Sides on in the hopes of finding a gem. Looks doubtful.

2. The Early November: Session 07 (From the triple album: Mother, Mechanic, the Path)

The Early November is an anthemic, punkish, emo-ish, indie-ish group. They have some really fantastic songs, but decided to push the boundaries of their sound and scene by releasing a triple album. I've never heard anyone do this, least of all a pop-rock group, and it's obvious why. There is an absurd amount of filler and crap on this album. If you cut it out, this would be a very decent single album, but instead we're left with b-sides, cutting room floor tracks, and spoken word tracks (like this one) that aim for artsy and land squarely at "retarded".

It's interesting to see what happens when an artist tries to push the envelope and force progression into their sound. It can be incredibly successful (see: Radiohead) or embarassingly pathetic, as seen with groups like Angels and Airwaves. They're a band fronted by former Blink-182 guitarist Tom Delonge, who incorrectly thought he had what it took to go from dick-and-fart pop punk to epic and transcendent stadium art-rock. Boo, you fail.

3. Dr. Dog - The Way The Lazy Do (from the album "We All Belong)

These guys are great. An old coworker of mine grew up with them and got me into them. Their sound is more or less a lo-fi Beatles/Brian Wilson sound with a bluesy/Motown jangle to it. It's a familiar and catchy but expressed in an original way. Every time I listen to it I wonder why I don't do so more often.

4. They Might Be Giants - Pencil Rain (from the album "Lincoln")

Great song by a great band off one of their best albums. TMBG's career speaks for itself, so I won't bother. Besides, they're really one of those bands you love or hate, so no point in me expounding on their brilliance.

5. Chisel - The Guns of Meridian Hill (from the Fort Reno Benefit CD)

I got this CD for $1 in Roanoke at a used CD store; it has an old Dismemberment Plan song I haven't heard anywhere else, plus some interesting tracks from other DC bands. Chisel is fronted by the now-very-popular Ted Leo; his signature sound isn't completely developed but it's still there in spades. Neat song for any Ted Leo fan, and a nice reminder that he had his beginnings in DC.

6. Wolfmother - Colossal (from the album "Wolfmother")

A lot of bands like to compare themselves to the great classic groups like Zeppelin and Sabbath. Most of the time those bands end up being shit stains like Puddle of Mudd or Creed. Wolfmother is one of the few bands that can honestly lay credit to such inspiration but have the good taste to never do so. This track is so Sabbath, so bombastic, and will shake the teeth right out of your head.

7. James Carter - Po Lazarus

I think this is James Carter. I think this is from the "O Brother Where Art Thou" soundtrack. I'm not really sure. Having an 80 gig iPod means having piles of stuff you didn't even know you had. This certainly has the "O Brother" slave-anthem sound, so it's pretty good. I really need to clean up my music collection...

8. The Most Serene Republic - Sherry and Her Butterfly Net (from the album "Population")

These guys are on Arts and Crafts with all my favorites (BSS, Stars, etc.). They have sort of a Broken Social Scene sound, but more frenetic with faster drums and more piano. This is one of my favorite songs by them. They're pretty fantastic and highly recommended.

9. The Toasters - Go Girl (from the album "Thrill Me Up")

It's well documented that I had a heavy obsession with ska in high school and college. The addiction has passed, though I still love it. I keep a small collection of my favorites on my iPod. This album by the Toasters is one of the first ska records I bought; it's absolutely fantastic and reminds me of high school in a good way. They, like Madness, are a great ska band.

10. The Beatles - Wait (from the album "Rubber Soul")

I have a confession to make; there are LOADS of Beatles songs I don't know. There are probably only a couple albums I've sat down and listened to start to finish. My big introduction to the White Album was mainly through Danger Mouse's remix of the Grey Album with Jay Z. I of course love the Beatles and rightly recognize their brilliance and impact on music. But with the exception of Sargent Pepper and Abbey Road, I don't have much of an album commitment for them. So as much as I adore other Rubber Soul songs like Ticket To Ride, Nowhere Man, and Norwegian Wood (my favorite Beatles song), I've never even heard this one. I have a lot of Beatles stuff on my iPod I've never heard. It's on my to-do list. The list just happens to be many gigs long...

David Brooks Says: Chin Up

I don't know about you, but I love greatest hits cds. ESPECIALLY on the iPod. Nothing better than when forgotten single after forgotten single come blaring through your shelf system.

Similarly, I'd like to revisit perhaps my favorite column from my favorite center-right columnist. Great advice from 2006. The predecessor alliance of Dude Weekend, remember, originated the Crevice of Knowledge. The CK was also known as the Athens of the Mid-Atlantic in the early 21st century.

Also, via Wikipedia, here's a funny quote from Brooks' college days, talking about the sadly recently deceased William F. Buckley:

In the afternoons he is in the habit of going into crowded rooms and making everybody else feel inferior. The evenings are reserved for extended bouts of name-dropping.

Buckley thought it was so funny that he hired him (and later converted him to the Republican way).

Democracy Now

Anyone else see something wrong with individuals, committed to a particular candidate, footing the bill for an election?

Breakfast at Cici's

Here at Dude Weekend we love misery. That's why I'm proud to present Forbes Magazine's "America's Most Miserable Cities." Not to be confused with Kiplinger's Smart Cities, the Forbes list looks at unemployment, personal tax rates, commute times, weather, crime and Superfund sites. Biggest suprise: Charlotte, NC.

My only complaint about this list is that it only lists the top ten most miserable cities -- I prefer a depth of misery.

africa, still? yes, still.

This is not about current events in Africa. But after doing some browsing for a separate project, I came across a story on Liberia and its fighters (and by fighters I mean child soldiers/war criminals). I looked around a bit, and it turns out these guys have totally awesome names, which seem to consist of just stringing together the two or three most intimidating words they knew. It somewhat reminded me of a dog I met whose owners had allowed their young daughter to name it. She chose "Matilda Princess Volcano." Sweet. Here are some of the best of the Liberians, in descending order of rank:

General Butt Naked
General Peanut Butter
General War Boss
General War Boss III (logically I guess there is a War Boss II, but then again its Africa)
General Kill the Bitch
General Murder
General Killer
General Rambo
General Housebreaker
General No-mother-no-father
General Fuck-me-quick
General Share Blood
General Babykiller
Brigadier Bomb Blast
Colonel Action
Colonel Bloodshed
Colonel Cambodia
Commander Bullet (must be a navy man)
Major Cut Throat
Captain War Face
Captain Mission Impossible
Captain Backblast
Captain Cut Hands
Captain Bonus
Sergeant Burn House
Commando Around-the-world

Ladies got into the game too:

Queen Cut Hands (she was not the wife of Captain Cut Hands, apparently its a common name, like Smith or Jones)

Debate your favorites and add more in the comments!!!

Im sorry, but wtf?

Just a thought...

I wish I could post this without knocking Stan's DMX post down from the top spot, because that needs to sit and simmer for a bit while the messages of Barack Obama's "More Perfect Union" speech sink into some truly ignorant fuckers...

But, I have been mulling over another take-away from his speech today. I realize that the goals of the speech were to address a major issue that still casts an ugly, unfortunate pall over our country and to seal a gap in his campaign's call to unity. However, I am also wondering if this is the much needed discussion that we need to have concerning American foreign policy. I am certainly not a pacifist, but it strikes me that the nuance that Obama sees in race relations in America is reflected in his desire to talk to countries like Iran, North Korea, and Syria. Some of the notes that he struck upon in his speech also come up over and over in the study of "extremism" or "Islamist militancy." The means and statements of those movements are detestable, but nonetheless the anger lingers. The rhetoric and goals of extremist movements are reprehensible, but their popularity is borne of the legitimate concerns of people in some truly failing societies.

The speeches of Jeremiah Wright were absolutely ignorant in their tone and message. And, I realize the danger of trying to formulate a foreign policy message around a speech that was in many ways trying to correct a lapse in judgment on behalf of Obama. The America-hating sentiments from which those speeches SEEMED to originate are not the stuff of heady international affairs discussions. However, what Obama seems to recognize is the profoundly difficult nature of being a leader (whether of a congregation, a community, a city, or a country) requires a perspective from all angles. This type of thinking is not easily translated into political speeches, which this certainly was, but it is a deep level of analysis that America must beg for, for the sake of our future as a shining city upon a hill.

I am certainly in no way trying to equate the struggle of African-Americans and other minorities with those of Islamist militants and anti-West, anti-Israel hatred. But, I would simply like to point out as a student of foreign policy that this message can resonate globally as well. We can choose the politics of 100 years in Iraq, of continued war, of continued divisiveness. Or, we can choose the politics that at least hears the other side out and tries to grasp why their message is so vitriolic. I am all for throwing Osama bin Laden under the bus, but to conduct an effective counteroffensive against his rhetoric is to acknowledge that it has an origin that is neither dead nor the past. Someone who can embrace that level of nuance and critical thinking is the one I want answering the phone at 3AM.

y'all wanna be killers? get at me dog!

You guys remember the rapper and all around piece of shit DMX? Neither did I, until loyal commenter Danny sent me this interview. He is so smart, here is an excerpt to prove it:

Are you following the presidential race?
Not at all.

You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.
His name is Barack?!

Barack Obama, yeah.
Barack?!

Barack.
What the fuck is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?

Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
Barack Obama?

Yeah.
What the fuck?! That ain’t no fuckin’ name, yo. That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the fuck outta here.

You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
I ain’t really paying much attention.

I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
Wow, Barack! The nigga’s name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit” [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

So you’re not following the race. You can’t vote right? [ed.- because he is a convicted felon]
Nope.

A Sad State

So, I could only go through the first page of this article till I had to stop reading it. Without directly approaching a key issue (at least in the first page) this article gets at what I see to be the key to our current financial crisis. The complete and utter inability of Americans to live within our means. The woman highlighted in this article had an good paying job, bought a house well within her price range, and seemed to have everything going for her. Then she decided to refinance her home with a higher interest rate to help consolidate her debt (why people give such private information to newspapers is beyond me but that is a topic for another post).

Why does someone with such a well paying job and low mortgage payment (her initial mortgage payment was probably in the range of $1200-$1300 depending on the down payment) end up in such bad shape. Especially considering she should have plenty leftover for expenses, savings, retirement, child care costs, etc.

Well, the problem is that our back-ass consumerist culture drove her into this position. She probably had good credit going into this situation therefore she received roughly 20 credit card offers each week...of course she couldn't resist setting up at least one of them since the interest rates seemed so low and spending limit so high. Next thing you know after a couple of shopping sprees at Best Buy, Nordstrom, and BB&B she is $15-20k (maybe more) in the hole to MBNA with interest payments over 20%. Awesome.

Obviously the best way out of the situation is to cash in on a little of equity on her house (whose value has skyrocketed due to an artificially low interest rate and mortgage lenders on crack) to pay off the bills and get back on track. So what if the rate is a little higher and there is a little more risk. No big deal the good times are here to stay!

WELCOME TO 2008! The economy is now in the shits, your mortgage rate is going through the roof, even if you wanted to unload the house the market is tanking and you will end up taking a loss. Time for foreclosure and the end of the American Dream.

This, my friends, is why I am against the stimulus package that Congress recently passed. It is doing nothing to help solve the problem of people overspending on shit they don't need (yes Stan, I know you will be right behind me to give the money back to Uncle Sam). There is something to be said for personal responsibility. Obviously we need to do more to help the poor and John Edwards' is spot on when he talks about the two Americas (as hypocritical as that may be), but do people making $90k a year really need a bail out?

Six Days at the Bottom of the Ocean...

April 11th. Fuck. Yes.

That is all...

As long as we're here...

This certainly deserves another airing, in my mind...

This is an e-mail in response to this article:

it's like the clinton campaign is living in a parallel bizarro world...the whole time i was reading the linked article i was thinking "why the hell are they highlighting his numerical advantages???"

then i remembered that it is the same horribly mismanaged campaign that we have seen collapse like a flan in a cupboard (hat tip: eddie izzard) over the past month. the logical gymnastics of clinton's campaign are utterly mind blowing: the ferraro fiasco (tm) was obama's fault (according to ferraro and clinton's campaign manager); he plagiarizes one of his top advisers (even though gov. deval gave him permission to use the "just words" line) but she steals john edwards' parting shots about "we're going to be just fine" and her supporters start chanting "yes, she can;" the fact that she is "mathematically" out of the hunt but she wants to suggest obama can be her running mate (the serpentine logic of why he would be a good running mate but not a good commander-in-chief is just too rich to elucidate, even here); her foreign policy "experience" being greater than obama's despite numerous key players coming out and saying she has exaggerated her role in many of the situations she has taken credit for (bosnia, rwanda, china, northern ireland)...many people have been fired, publicly disgraced, and ruined for this last point alone; she has essentially embellished her resume.

again, this latter point brings up some of my earlier inquiries as to why obama is not playing up his role as an intrepid advocate in chicago politics early in his career. he is essentially neglecting his resume while she is making one up as she goes. if he truly wants to change the tone in washington then he should reflect back to the instances when presidential nominees were not always crusading charlatans, strictly shooting for 1600 penn. ave. many former presidents cut their teeth in local politics first to show their mettle and then took it national...christ, the best hillary has done is shit out an ugly baby by bill's fetid penis.

the creepy thing about her campaign is that she is obviously delusional (almost to a clinical degree...for serious) and her advisers are all drinking from the kool-aid fountain. if obama cannot do it then let his surrogates do it for him, as was suggested in The Root, and ask clinton (a la jack nicholson from the shining) "are you out of your fucking mind?"

/trolls the internetz

Stan Wolansky: Danny sent me this from a friend of his: "i'm at a conference where the crowd will start to chant "fail, fail" when someone presentation screws up"
Maulana Dan Monday: yeah, he sent that to me too. entropy is awesome

Stan Wolansky: rooting for failure and chaos is always a winner

Maulana Dan Monday: because it is bound to happen. i am not a cynic or an asshole...i'm just rooting for the other team.

Stan Wolansky: the other team being nature.

Maulana Dan Monday: yes.

Amen...

You will be hard pressed to call me a Gary Williams' apologist. I've been critical of him over the years regarding the academic standing of the team and his recruitment of dickhead players (I knew Gilchrist and Caner-Medley were fuckups from day one), but I have never doubted his ability to coach up the team every year. Yeah, the past five years have been a little rough, but let's be realistic with our expectations. There is one program in the country that is a regular fixture in the rankings. Every team goes through cycles...look at Syracuse right now. Do you think anyone there is talking about Boeheim losing his touch? Bullshit.

That said, Wise's column in the Post today was spot on. Gary still has more chips on the table than 99% of the coaches in the country. Name five coaches who could have dug Maryland out of the hole they were in 20 years ago. We were looking at the death penalty for the basketball program and he convinced Walt Williams to play for him when the prospect of playing in March wasn't possible because of NCAA penalties.

So for all you so-called fans who want Gary to move on...FUCK YOU! We didn't fucking need you before 2001 and we don't need you now.

from mississippi, with love

slight modification from the original here

Dance for Me, Stan...

the "new map" puts you and i together.

/slinks away to lounge music

do not want

What a coincidence. Stan Wolansky just returned from his afternoon trip to the thunderbucket where he read this article on CENTCOM's Thomas Fallon. Leaving aside the dull-from-overuse cardplaying metaphor and turtleneck Tommy Barnett's obvious desire to live out the rest of his days nestled snugly in a pair of Fallon's used tighty whiteys, the article made me feel good that the CENTCOM commander was there to muffle the war drums from the flat-earthers and chickenhawks gearing up for war with Iran. However that feeling vanished as soon as he returned to his computer and saw this. pwn3d.

everything you need to know about DC politics, in a nutshell

This post is a little out-of-date, but I couldnt get the damn picture off the camera. sue me. Anyways, the particular makeup of DC tends to make politics here rather predictable. How predictable? Well look at the scroll on the bottom of the picture below (I took it the night of the so-called Potomac Primaries"):

Thats right, with O% reporting, MSNBC calls DC for Obama.

delegate and popular vote lead...u haz?

Alright. Im sorry to bump Ratticus's two excellent posts with more boring crap about politics, but this shit needs to be said. Remember a few days ago when the Clinton campaign floated the idea of a joint Clinton-Obama ticket? Now they are shocked, shocked that this idea was considered. Clinton staffer and marble-gargler extrordinaire Howard Wolfson today says “We do not believe at this point that Sen. Obama has passed that key commander-in-chief test” that Clinton would require for a veep. WTF is going on here? Hey Howie, here are some numbers for you:

Pledged delegates (Obama +155)
Obama= 1378
Clinton= 1223

Total delegates (Obama +120)
Obama= 1588
Clinton= 1468

This one is also somewhat important:

Total votes (Obama +603,687)*
Obama= 13,025,003
Clinton= 12,421,316
*Iowa, Nevada, Washington & Maine Have Not Released Popular Vote Totals

Given Obama's insurmountable lead in delegates, and likely in popular votes as well, where do the Clintons get off trying to position Obama as the veep? As one of the reliably hysterical New York tabloids said, Clinton is trying to sell a house she doesn't own.

Open Letters from the DC Metro

An Open Letter to the Person Taking a Picture of the Dupont Station Escalator:

Hi there, welcome to Washington D.C. This is a truly amazing city with breathtaking yet regal architecture, and more monuments than you can shake a stick at! I'm more than certain that you'll notice these incredibly picturesque visages, provided you can actually bring yourself to climb the escalator and reach the surface of our fair city. That's right, the escalator isn't just a cool-looking structure. Actually, it isn't even a cool-looking structure.

I have to say your fascination with escalators astounds me. Are you a converted Amish? Do you have a fetish for moving metal platforms? Chances are you're a tourist from a midwestern state; you people have malls so big they have fucking roller coasters in them, don't tell me you've never seen an escalator before...

But I digress. I implore you to actually use this contraption you find so fascinating so that you may get up to the street level and take pictures of all sorts of other objects (cigarette butts, manhole covers, trash cans) that manage to be a waste of film even for a modern camera that holds thousands of pictures.



An Open Letter To The Twat Who Won't Stand To The Right:

Stand to the right, twat.


An Open Letter To The Guy Who Asked If I Could Spare 10 Cents On The Metro Escalator:

No.

Bond, Achmed Bond

Fuck the upcoming election that you dudes keep talking about, there's something just as consistent and twice as awesome that's always on the news: Pakistani lawyers. This picture here is from the front page of the New York Time. Just look at this guy: wearing a full black suit while hopping over barbed wire to avoid a tear gas cloud? How many law school students in the U.S. can you picture pulling that off? This guy looks like a complete badass. He could easily give Connery a run for his money.

My dad is a lawyer in Roanoke; mostly bankruptcy and real estate. He often jumps over barbed wire during political riots, if by "jumps over barbed wire during political riots" you mean "drives his Lexus to work".

The most amazing thing isn't that as lawyers they're protesting something related to their profession, it's the way they approach it like it's another day at the office. The riot is their office.

Thank you, Musharraf.

strong leader: reagan 1985 edition

Dudeweekend is a viper's nest of hillary-hate. Its not only the deviousness with which this monster has run her campaign, the nefarious cast of characters which cling to her, her philandering husband's embarrassing antics, or the constant racial and religious shenanigans (He's not a Muslim as far as I know") this devil in a red pantsuit has resorted to in an effort to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. Its mostly the constant dissembling, double standards, and general dishonesty which is the mark of this woman, nay this couple.

Mrs. Wolansky made the comment the other night that Hillary is like the little girl on the playground who will antagonize and goad her playmate into hitting her, then scream bloody murder for the teacher. Thats a pretty apt description. But I want to take on another myth that has suddenly materialized from the ether.

Now Clinton is the "strong leader" (by extension Obama is not). This is laughably stupid for many reasons, but let me pose just one obvious one- a "strong leader" does not cry at the prospect of losing the New Hampshire primary, or after getting her ass handed to her in the Potomac primaries. Sorry Hillary, you reaped the benefits, now its time to pay the costs. She should be asked if she is going to break down in tears at the negotiating table because "its not easy?" Is this the pose of a strong leader?

Dude Dining

Time for a new segment on the ole blog: the Dude Weekend Dining Guide. Here we'll feature the latest cuisine of the various places we live and travel to. This first edition features China Star in Fairfax, VA, brought to us by Tyler Cowen's Ethnic Dining Guide. Implicit in Cowen's blog is that the best ethic food in the National Capital area resides in the suburbs, where most of the area's ethnic communities live (notable exception: DC Ethiopian food is the tops).

I had the Szechuan chili chicken which was tasty but really, really hot. I'm talking Indian American Cafe (Harrisonburg, VA) no. 3 or 4 hot. Crystal shrimp was unique and enjoyable; curry chicken highlighted the freshness of the ingredients.

Conclusion: worth the drive if you have car access and like spicy food.

Next week: Stan checks in from the cafés half a world away...

the darker the barry, the sweeter the juice

Check it.

And right before Ohio too? Well what would be the point of that...oh wait...I see...Awesome. Somewhere out there is the unpaid staffer with shitty MS paint skills who actually did this. Which brings up another point. Does everything the devil in the red pantsuit does have to be so damned amateurish? Jesus. Take some of the five million dollars you loaned yourself and hire a professional. You know, like these guys. (h/t spencer)

Wait, so I guess this means he is "black enough" now? How about now?

Beginning of the End

It was only 8 weeks ago that we watched Iowa propel Barack Obama into the status of front runner for the Democratic Presidential nomination. How far we have come...It will now be a long 7 weeks till we get to the next big primary in Pennsylvania (or, as someone once said "Pittsburgh and Philadelphia with Alabama in between).

Last night was disheartening to say the least. We watched an experienced political team mount an incredible comeback against the fresh face of the party. It came with a well placed ad that kept the pundits buzzing for days. It also came with a former supporter entering a serious criminal trial. When fighting history while trying to stay above the fray Obama was placed in a tough position.

Where the race goes from here is any one's guess. I believe that we are looking at the end of what should have been a very promising year for the democratic party. Instead we are now faced with the prospect of Obama and Clinton tearing each other down, possibly till the convention in August, while McCain and Bush sit back and enjoy the show. Whoever wins the nomination is going to come out facing a rested and ready Republican machine and what should have been a landslide in November now looks like a repeat of 2000.

As I stood in line to caucus last night I had a sinking feeling that things were not going to turn out well. I didn't imagine walking home, turning on the television, and seeing Obama down almost 20 points in Ohio at one point. It made me feel tired. I'm tired of Clintons and Bushs running the country. I'm tired of watching every policy matter tied down in partisan bullshit. It is time the country gave itself something to feel good about.

Isn't Obama the realization of the American Dream (if it still exists)? I know the guy isn't perfect. I know he will probably fuck up on a couple of things and I will probably be pissed at him at least a dozen times during his first year in office. But unlike any candidate we have seen in a long time he has an ability to motivate and lead that we have not seen in a long time. Fuck, my 65 year old dad made his first political contribution this year. Isn't that saying something?

As I said, I have no idea where the race is going from here, but I don't see it ending well. Call me a cynic (and I am) but the idea of watching this primary dragged out another 3-5 months makes me want to go hangout with Sawyer and Hurley for a while.

Wait a god damn minute...

hillary clinton just said in her victory speech for RI and OH that we can strive to achieve a better america...excuse me, devil in a red pantsuit, but that sounds an awful lot like "hope." i thought you said that was akin to a platitude...what gives, soccer mom haircut?

and, are people at your rallies really chanting "yes we will"????? and who plagarizes??? your whole campaign is a lie and a joke. face it, we're just not that into you.

by the way, your husband cheated on you...HAHA

O' Hai...Ohhhh

people in ohio are fucking bigots...Guuuhhh

Want to feel like a piece of shit?

1) sign up for a personal trainer
2) make sure it's an attractive female in your age group
3) expose your meaty ham hocks like you're at "spring break: fat camp"
4) have her push you to the point that you are nauseous
5) feel sore to the point you cannot walk properly
6) offer your ego on a pyre of shame
7) pay for this to happen four more times

guuuuuhhhhh...

Cacklin' Cankles Sings Da Blues...

so let's review where the fuck we are at now that three-fifths of dude weekend has officially endorsed barrack obama by way of posts on this blog. on the eve of critical primaries/caucuses in texas and ohio (as well as other states) i am making a prediction that clinton is out by the end of the week. that's just me, and it feels good to write it...

but, i have this sneaking suspicion. it is as andrew sullivan put it; it's that eerie quiet before the storm. the clinton machine could come back to shame us all. but, speaking of shameful, let's just give a cursory rundown of the shitty tactics recently embraced by the queeen of beefy achilles heels...yeah, i know i am getting porky too, so shut your fucking mouth.

first and foremost, there is the shameful somali garb incident, which the knowledgeable stan-wise gamgee has commented on. disgrace.

then there is the plagiarized "red phone" ad by clinton's campaign that highlights her utterly non-existent foreign policy credentials. hey, cacklin', you didn't have security clearance during bill's presidency...ergo, you weren't in the room to help with these decisions...go fuck yourself.

then, boys and girls, there is the latest smear that the clinton campaign tried to unload against sen. obama. face it, sister, you are acting like a ferret backed into a corner because you were completely deficient in your campaign planning. i hope your self-entitlement tastes bitter because for me it's on the other side of the tongue. it's oh so sweet. perhaps you will prove me wrong, and perhaps you are "just getting started," as you have said. but, if you happen to squeak by (yes, that is the sound you make when speaking) in this nomination process, you will always have it hanging over your head that you are a conniving whiner. the more your campaign threatens to sue the texas democratic party the more you are exposed as an elitist who will do anything to win because you feel as though you "deserve" to.

in summation, i don't like you, sen. clinton. i will be very disappointed if you win the democratic nomination because i do not think you deserve it. your tactics in the past few weeks are telling of your quality as a person and your potential as a president. that can be summed up in one word: petty.

i'll take hope; so you can take your shit somewhere else. fucker.

god, i wanted this post to be much funnier...