Wow

These quotes get better every day. As Tapper points out at the end of this post, is it somehow easier for a black man to run for president than a white woman? Don't you think there is a reason that Obama requested Secret Service protection a year ago? Fucking unreal. You have been given every advantage in life, have succeeded and now you want my sympathy? Sorry, I just ran out of sympathy...

Please just go away quietly...

If I never hear from this guy again it will be fine by me...

UPDATE: I should also mention that this will bring an end to the most awkward 5 minutes on SportsCenter when they have Salisbury and Clayton debate. Some obvious anger management issues always surface during that segment.

welcome, dimwits

The Obama campaign has huge implications for race relations in this country. For one, electing a black man president would seriously stifle claims about racism in this country. No, it would not silence them (because racism does still exist), but it would make it much harder to reflexively cry racism whenever something goes awry. I, for one, am thoroughly enjoying the teeth gnashing and wailing of the assorted racial ambulance chasers at the prospect of an Obama presidency. Unsurprisingly, these dubious characters are clustered around the Clinton campaign where they cling to their candidate like a tick clings to a mutt. These hucksters have buttressed their self-appointed position as representative and arbiter of the "black community" through their proximity to the Clinton's power, while the Clintons have benefited by being able to claim the support of the "black community." Of course, the prospect of Obama upsetting this comfy little applecart cant go unchallenged.

Witness this retard:


I don't even know where to begin. His "native country?" Which country would that be? Somalia? And that would make you...

So it comes to this...

What a fucking disgrace. I am holding this spot for a particularly vitriolic rant based upon this article.

I find it shameful that this subject is a part of American politics, let alone the race for the presidency. This is why I do not vote in these dog and pony shows. An educated woman being criticized for a thesis that she wrote more than 20 years ago?!?!? On top of that, she is being criticized for writing about identity in American, especially Ivy League, institutions. Are you fucking kidding me?!?! If this had been a Jewish or Arab or Asian student, this would have been viewed as a harmless thesis, perhaps even given a "best thesis" award.

Go fuck yourselves hard and long, media outlets. Forgive me for sounding like a curmudgeon, but I hope you choke on the big bigoted dick that you are sucking. You are a disgusting lot if you let this story breathe anymore. Fucking drop dead and leave it to the civil among us to make our decisions. You deserve a painful life.

BOGSAT...

aka: Bunch of Guys Sitting Around a Table
aka: Bald Old Guys Sitting Around a Table

This article brings up some issues that are going to be some real sticking points for the next administration, especially the Democrats and especially Obama. While Obama wants "preparation" rather than "preconditions," he will be hard-pressed to get either without some help from the intelligence community as much as the diplomatic corps. Essentially we are looking at war-fighting versus forecasting. The IC is not robust enough to do both...or even one of those unimpeachably. Will the trend that Ackerman discusses hamper that? I think it is something that all three of the candidates will have to address come January 2009.

money quote:

There needs to be a semi-independent voice that voices the broader strategic perspectives and is not driven by the [intelligence] demands of day," said Robert Hutchings, who chaired the National Intelligence Council from 2003 until 2005. "The worry is not that Mike Hayden and Mike McConnell happen to be military officers; it’s that the system is now skewed to current intelligence, driven by military operations. That’s leaving too little left over for strategic analysis of what’s going on more broadly. And that leads to [an echo chamber effect]: this is what’s presented to policy-makers, and it just reinforces the worldview they began with.

And, why do all of these dudes look like photos of the same guy taken at varying intervals??? For fuck sake, can we not change it up a little bit?!?!?!

COMING SOON: Japan Watch, Vol. 2

How can you not vote for this guy?

Japan Watch! Vol. 1

This is the inauguration of a new feature here at dudeweekend and no, its not the most original, but that never stopped us before. Ah the lovely country of Japan- full of beautiful scenery, otherworldly technology, majestic vistas, and used panty vending machines.

Would you take dating advice from this man?

This article pretty much tells you all you need to know about gender relations in Japan. Its about nanpa schools, which are essentially night classes on how to pick up women. The students include your average array of dorks and tools, including "engineers who have little interaction with women except through online porn."

Yeah, yeah, lord knows Japan doesnt have a monopoly on people like this. What they do have, apparently, is a class of people willing to pay $280 to take a class that tells them that actual women DO NOT repeat DO NOT like to be tentacle-raped by aliens. Hard to believe I know. I wonder if this is covered in the "How to Use Magic to Gain Popularity and How to Seduce Women" class.

I really feel for Japanese women. They have to take separate subway cars so perverts cant grope them or take pictures up their skirts. Japanese men would rather date robots (or, god forbid that is too intimidating or demanding, a virtual one). Hence modern Japanese sexual culture. Japanese men cry themselves to sleep on a girlfriend lap pillow, across the hall a Japanese woman cries herself to sleep on a boyfriend arm pillow, and we all wonder why Japan's birth rates are falling like Kirstie Alley off a cliff.

Oh, and one of the people interviewed for this article has the coolest name ever. Hachioji Robocop. How in the world you can have a name like that and not get laid is absolutely beyond me.

Thank you, George Will

The man who loves baseball said it beautifully today.

"The president who came to office with the most glittering array of experiences had served 10 years in the House of Representatives, then became minister to Russia, then served 10 years in the Senate, then four years as secretary of state (during a war that enlarged the nation by 33 percent), then was minister to Britain. Then, in 1856, James Buchanan was elected president and in just one term secured a strong claim to being ranked as America's worst president. Abraham Lincoln, the inexperienced former one-term congressman, had an easy act to follow."

It is time to move forward...

With a 10 game winning streak under his belt, Obama is in the driver's seat for the nomination. Unfortunately, the Clinton's are not going to let this fight go that easily. I don't see her backing down till every state has voted and every delegate pledged. It is the Clinton way. However this post from MSNBC offers an interesting tidbit into the managing styles of both candidates and indicator of the type of leader they will be in office.

*** It’s the campaign, stupid…: Time and again, we hear anecdotes of how the Obama campaign has more staff here or more money there. This, of course, was a luxury Obama had versus Clinton. The Obama campaign knew they weren't going to win quickly, and so they prepared for the long campaign -- the delegate fight. The Clinton campaign has been surprisingly unprepared for the long haul. Remember when Clinton herself said the contest would be over February 5? This is the only way to explain the consistent caucus beat-down they take and the lack of preparation for Wisconsin. It's the Obama campaign that's doing the little things tactically. At some point, one has to wonder if Obama will start using the organizational success he's had in this campaign as a talking point about his own preparation to run the White House. After all, this is the largest organization either Clinton or Obama has run.

With all the talk of experience and able to lead from day one, shouldn't we be taking a closer look at the organization of each candidate's campaign. Obama has left no stone underturned, built a 50 state campaign, and established a disciplined and loyal staff. Clinton has appeared to do the opposite. Her staff was too afraid to warn her that finances were low after Iowa. Apparently no one had bothered to look at how the Texas primary actually worked before the candidate wasted 3 days touring the Valley. She is losing because Obama is out campaigning her (you know, the way people get elected?). Her campaign can continue to spin anyway they want but the bottom line is they are getting their asses kicked and don't know how to stop it other than to start throwing mud.

These are key indicators of the type of president we can expect. Do you want to elect someone who is surrounded with smart, detail oriented people? Or do we want the candidate who manages by the motto of "don't fuck up?"

Even better is that McCain seems to be headed towards the same strategy as Clinton and attacking Obama on his experience. I'm not sure how else they can spin it, but up till now that attack has not stuck with voters. Perhaps McCain should look to change course before it is too late. If I were him I would start building a 50 state campaign and not leave any stone unturned.

UPDATE: It is also a bad sign when you start to throw your daughter under the bus, by saying her work is meaningless. Way to go mom and dad!

wow

thats all I can say.

Washington, DC Kennel Club

for the first time in the history of the westminster kennel club a beagle won best in show. i love animals; I FUCKING LOVE THEM!!! the four cats i have lived with throughout my life (even the pooter queen herself, shadow, who is no longer with us, god rest her soul) and the pets of my friends and loved ones are just as important to me as many humans. sorry, bi-peds, but sometimes you all just suck. so, i get excited about the dog show every year.

why do i mention this? well, for one, i am actually excited about the 2008 presidential campaign, and this is the first time i have ever felt as such. i mention the dog show because historically i have been much more likely to vote in that contest than any political beauty pageant until now. even with that said, i am still skeptical--forever will be--and i reserve my right to withdraw my enthusiasm at the drop of a hat...or a bald-face, blatant fucking lie.

in full disclosure, i have never voted. the only reason i know what it looks or smells like within a polling place is because i always accompanied my parents to vote in my youth, and because i volunteered at our local polling station during high school. believe me, i have been called all sorts of things for this, including hypocrit, bad citizen, just another complainer, and shithead...i am not even sure that last one had anything to do with my not having ever voted. but, i have always maintained that it is my right to NOT vote. of course it is. no one can force me to do anything.

for those detractors who tell me that i cannot complain BECAUSE i do not vote, i have one thing to say: yes, i can. i can complain about anything i fucking want to, especially the current state of politics in this country. even moreso, i choose to mount a complaint with one of the most powerful things i have: my vote. let's put it another way. you are telling me that i cannot aptly comment on the political situation in this country because i refuse to choose between two charlatans who, once elected, back out on their promises like a prom date who finds out the girl he coaxed into fucking him in the limo is now knocked up?

i can completely understand the opinion that denounces any non-voters, for i am not trying to say that those who do vote, even when the candidates are not ideal, are not enlightened. that shit is annoying and should be saved for dread-locked hippies who judge you while handing out flyers on the street...we can all join in on the universal desire to smash their shins with a bat and tell them to get the fuck out of our faces with their tripe.

but give me a fucking break! instead, look at my decision like a boycott. if wal-mart treats its employees like shit or if softsoap tests on animals, what do you do, ever smart and virtuous consumer? you DO NOT buy their products. if you find that the diner in your neighborhood is not paying its busboys (who happen to be three-fourths hispanic) a reasonable wage, do you eat there? fuck no!!!! you're a responsible and worldly New York Times-reading urbanite.

so, i choose to boycott the two party system in this country. some say that not voting does not work because i am, at the end of the day, just forfeiting my voice in favor of those who oppose my view. well, the same contention is levied against boycotts and embargoes and other forms of protest. just because you do not choose to buy there does not mean others will not. does that make you any less relevant? why, of course not. but, why are those methods acceptable forms of dissention and the former not?

so, get off my back about not voting. perhaps this year i will. i am actually inspired by a candidate who is not a carpetbagger or a curmudgeoned fairweather politico...oh, wait that describes clinton and mccain, both (and for the record, "hope" is never a platitude, you two fear-mongering beasts...i hope you both end up in the darkness of your own rhetoric without a torch). let's face it, the two party system is fucking broken and it does not represent anyone, let alone the typical american. fuck the pandering and the rhetoric. i am not going to vote for, as so many put it, the "lesser of two evils" because the world is not black or white, and i don't want ANY evil in a position of power. i'd rather vote for the fucking beagle...

The Birth of Nonsense

--dan monday, october 2002--

right on, spongebob squarepants, i will be ready whenever you are, so just let me know the details of your eye exam...study hard. however, i will not endorse such things fully unless you give me a promise on full faith and credit that you will get indie glasses and wear them throughout your political career (chucks are optional)...then you can form an indie political party called the tiennamen squares, which will only be based upon the most pure and benevolent forms of democracy and universal human rights, whereby you can hold the dual role of party leader and minister of rock...i will be the minister of foreign affairs and general cynicism along with my honorable colleague stan "i cant help that i dont give a shit about your rights, you prol" wolansky in order to form the hegelian dialectic and acheive the support and good graces of the world over as we deny our position of forcing them under OUR wings so that we might do the greatest good as the greatest political party on the planet: establish the wind on which they fly. our principles would be based on a) rock; b) all things british (excluding the pussified "third way"); c) pints for all; d) the city paper; e) taking the fifth damn cheeseburger away from your mouth; f) salmon three times a week; g) biking to work; h) foregoing that seventh BMW in three years; i) universal rights of man; j) taking your head out of the fucking cave; k) terrorism bad, muslims good; l) CEOs should not govern; m) we do this only if we are chosen to do so...and i present to you the manifesto for the next fifty years of our lives.

happy valentine's day

from dudeweekend

I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger....

Tonight in class I sat beside a guy who spent a substantial amount of time picking his nose and eating his boogers. He had a wedding ring on his finger. It makes me wonder; when his lovely wife took his hand in marriage, did he stop to wash it first?

I feel like somewhere in here there's a metaphor or statement about love that I'm not yet wise enough to figure out.

Scotland has an army?

Seriously, fuck you Scotland! The only good thing to come out of your country is single-malt, so why the fuck are you sending your army to perform in the US? I'm not kidding. This is my one fucking chance to see a presidential debate in person, but nooooo you decide to take up the largest fucking venue on campus for a fucking drumline show. I hate you. Instead they are holding it at the fucking Rec Center?!?!? Are Clinton and Obama going to go through a combine workout? I wonder who will score higher on the Wunderlich?

Oh yeah, and those who ask, "but your college is helping to organize it, won't you get a ticket?" My response, "Do I strike you as someone who sucks off the dean everyday in search of perks? I've never spoken to a fucking soul in the administration, so of course I'm not going to get one of the 5 student tickets they will give out."

So, in a completely unrelated closing...


I wish you a good night. Enjoy!

como se dice "Cackling Cankles?"

Scene: Nondescript auditorium

Hillary: "And thats why, America, I can be your Presid...what? an opportunity for pandering? Where?!?!?!"


/cackles with excitement

Hillary: Oh come here my little caramel-colored totem! You're dressed up like a little mariachi! How cute!


/turns toward crowd, cackling softly to herself

Hillary: You know I am part Hispanic? Want proof? I love hot peppers, Hispanics love hot peppers, must be Hispanics! What's that you say? It IS quite a coincidence that I said this as it became clear I need to win Texas. Wait, Hispanic people live in Texas? I didn't know. Really, I didn't.

/sheds tear

Throw-Away Sunday

once reserved for the saturday occuring on a three-day weekend, the term "throw-away" must now be, at least for the next few weeks, reserved for sundays and the end of another NFL season. for the next seven-plus months i have no excuse for getting, as Switters would call it, "maintenance" done on saturday so i can vegetate on stan wolansky's couch to watch football...

/six million remembered

but, wait...what's this?!?!? a primary race that resembles the last weeks of the regular season!?! holy shit, i may just have something to watch.


i know i am mixing boxing and football metaphors...so what, cock?

barack obama has now won eight consecutive primaries or caucuses and leads in the delegate count. i know that hillary clinton has the potential to carry texas, ohio, and pennsylvania, thus winning the delegate count. but, DON'T YOU REALIZE...this is like a 12-2 team winning its division and securing a bye week with two weeks to play. do you pull your starters and avoid injury to key players (the traditional choice)? or, do you strategize to keep your players in the zone so they will not be rusty after three weeks of rest?

the momentum is shifting obama's way despite clinton being the favorite out of the gate. she is avoiding wisconsin to a large extent, a mistake to some pundits, as she is giving up on a state that closely reflects her core constituency much like ohio. instead, she is settling for the big guns and focusing on texas...the equivalent of pulling all your starters for three weeks and hoping for the best in the regionals. i...think...i have found...a solution to...the darkness that is creeping...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PUT SOME FUCKING FOOTBALL ON!!!!!!!!!!

Here Comes the Boom

Tomorrow night promises to be one of the best games of week with the rematch between Maryland and Duke at Cameron. The Terps are on a incredible hot streak winning 10 of their last 12. Amazing that this team couldn't shot worth a damn in December now has the highest field goal percentage in the ACC. Not to mention Vazquez has actually learned to control himself and doesn't feel the need to throw up awful shots with 30 seconds left on the shot clock. Once again Gary has managed to pull together a great squad that is fun to watch.

That said, I'm boldly predicted a little of this tomorrow...
Because there is no way Duke can control this guy...

the perils of identity politics

file this under the revolution eating its children...


this portion of the very famous tryptich from one of my favorite artists is also prominently displayed on the label of one of my favorite beers. some dude trivia for you.

Half-Formed Ruminations (And Other Questions We'll Never Get Around To): Tongue Waggin' Fer Jesus

i watched the documentary jesus camp the other night, and the only word to describe it is terrifying. it is a surreal experience to see a ten year old say with a smile on their face that they want to become a martyr for christ...guuuhhhhh. if the kids' names were hesham and mohammed you can guaran-goddamn-tee that this camp would be raided by a team of federal agents faster than one can say "allahu akbar." instead, these kids have nice (ugh) christian names like levi and rachel...wait, did i say christian? sorry, i meant hebrew...their bad.

anyway, these little angels of fire and brimstone are just full of rote parroting of how jesus hates sinners and abortion and evolution and dancing and harry potter...these kids say the world is going to shit more than a crotchety septuagenarian. but, i am pretty sure that they (or even their parents for that matter) could not tell you in rational terms why. of course, i will give them the benefit of the doubt because they are impressionable children...because another thing these kids also seem full of is loneliness. they are always filmed alone and they don't seem to really connect with other kids, even the other kids at jesus camp...perhaps because they are so damn afraid of going to hell. and, one reason i know that it is the adults who deserve to be ritually beaten is that these kids are full of something else: tears. lots and lots of tears. these people love to make children cry!!!


while violence can be cathartic in the mind, i am not prone to violence. besides, we all know that christians will just turn the other cheek so you are tempted to smack that one too. so, i thought let's use a little science...evangelicals really hate that shit.

one thing about evangelical service is channeling the holy spirit by speaking in tongues...which essentially sounds like a 6 month old gurgling strained gerber peas. hell, i remember making those same sounds as a kid when i was trying to impersonate someone speaking a foreign language. but, the prayer warriors will tell you that this is the holy ghost speaking through them...perhaps, but let's put it to the rigors of the god-hating witch's brew that is the scientific method.

idea for a research paper or longer study:
have a linguist and a neurologist to examine the cognitive formation of language skills in individuals to see if they favor certain sounds, words, and syllables in their adult speech patterns based on how they learned language. in other words, do the language parts of out brain develop pathways for certain words and sounds in a way that we become more predisposed to these sounds and therefore patterns of word use over time? if so, can we then record someone "speaking in tongues" to distinguish whether or not they are really channeling a higher power or randomly selecting the sounds and syllables around which their use of language has been formed?

this may be a difficult or impossible study to conduct, but that's why it is on a blog and not in a refereed journal. but, for god's sake, stop making kids cry, and knock off all that jibber jabber.

Religious Relativism...Wait, What???

so the archbishop of canterbury made the news last week with this rousing bit of logic on Sharia in Britain. in short, this so-called man of great faith thinks that Britain should allow for culture courts that settle disputes under the laws and norms of their respective communities rather than the laws of land. uhhh, you say one shouldn't have to make "the stark alternatives of cultural loyalty or state loyalty???" um, yes, they should. that is the basis for the rule of law, one of the fundamental principles of modern society. and, they should especially when half the population in these communities is ritually disenfranchised. in modern society, the only veil that should be worn is a veil of ignorance.



also, how much of a faithful leader can you be when you cannot even stick up for your own culture? as the wise christopher hitchens has said, "to hell with the archbishop of canterbury."

[A]n approach to law which simply said "there's one law for everybody and that's all there is to be said, and anything else that commands your loyalty or allegiance is completely irrelevant in the processes of the courts"—I think that's a bit of a danger.

aside from the utterly baffling philosophical implications of this quote, the more obvious fallacy should be apparent to even the simplest among us. excuse me, bishop, but is it not your job to teach that God supposedly decreed that there is one law for everybody and that is all there is to be said?

an argument for allowing weapons on airplanes

Long plane rides suck enough by themselves. But its a universal human experience to know what it is like to be imprisoned next to a complete douchebag for 6 hours (of course, we're all a douchebag to someone else). But can you imagine having to deal with this shit?

"[The flight from Johannesburg to the United States] is enough to drive anyone crazy. My solution is to go into the restroom halfway through the flight and change into workout clothes. I then do a full hour of calisthenics, crunches, push-ups and lunges in the aisle of the plane. I'll ask the stewards for a lot of those steamy washcloths, and then retreat to the restroom for a sponge bath."


Anyone who does this should set upon with the same furious and violent reaction as Richard Reid received from passengers when he tried to light his shoes on fire.

I love me some anthony bourdain

This article is pretty interesting, but the real payoff comes from a few funny mini-rants from bourdain, whose hatred for noobs is priceless. To wit, on ur-idiot Rachael Ray:

"Where the saintly Julia Child sought to raise expectations, to enlighten us, make us better — teach us — and in fact, did, [Rachael Ray] uses her strange and terrible powers to narcotize her public with her hypnotic mantra of Yummo and Evoo and Sammys. 'You're doing just fine. You don't even have to chop an onion — you can buy it already chopped. Aspire to nothing ... Just sit there. Have another Triscuit ... Sleep ... sleep ...'"

I remember one episode of Bourdain's No Reservations where he just finished a horseback ride and as they cut to a commercial he started stroking the horse's nose and making baby talk: "oh, you look just like Sarah Jessica Parker, don't you?" I laughed so hard I nearly fell off my treadmill.

almost worth moving to LA for

my god I want one of these so bad right now. A bacon-wrapped hot dog, poblano chile, mayo...wow.

But, alas, the days of the bacon-wrapped hot dog are waning, due to nanny-state bullshit from the people's republic of cahleeforneeya:

"She would love to sell bacon-wrapped hot dogs — trust her — but a trip last year to the women's county jail, a trip she says officials orchestrated to "make an example" of her, finally pushed her to give up the bacon and illegal grilling device she used for so long. Instead, she prepares dogs the only way the county Environmental Health Department currently allows, by boiling or steaming. Not grilling. And grilling is the only way to make a classic L.A. bacon-wrapped hot dog."

How much time is lost each day on YouTube?

Generally I can resist the urge but thanks to Steinberg today I'm hooked. Here are a couple of classics.






Oh yeah, go Terps!

no john mayer,

its your body thats a wonderland.


thanks to my favorite website

Apologies to my classmates...

I think it is the pizza from lunch, but I'm not quite sure.

mutually assured dudeweekend

when bitter enemies start threating nuclear strikes on each other, its good to know such calm, serious professionals are in charge.*


*yes, I know Amir Peretz is no longer in charge, but still.

The Cacklin' Cankles

"ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK"

...ugh, pantsuit

why i hate DC

Dear God. "There were the post-primary and post-SOTU phone conversations, in which Walters, a lobbyist for the Livingston Group, conference-called her closest friends inside the Beltway. They spent hours dissecting what was said and what was worn...Naturally, there will be a Super Tuesday bash tonight..."But seriously," says Walters, 35. "Doesn't everyone do this?"

But seriously, fuck you. Now where did I put my machine gun?

Undefeated: Jerk Coach :: 1976: ?

Who is this smiling man? You might not recognize him when he's not lashing out at 19 year olds. Turns out old Bobby Knight is calling it quits. Here's Dude Weekend's salute to the hoosierist of all daddies.

Words I'm Trying To Incorporate Into My Lexicon

Ragamuffin

Scrimshaw

Ne'er-do-well

Lexicon

Torpid

Whatever the plural of "clitoris" is

Phlegmatic

Kafkaesque

Sinewy

Methinks

people who look like people

I don't really like Paul McCartney...he can write a catchy tune, and being a member of the beatles is worth something, but today he annoys me with his earnestness about everything, music, culture, the environment, self-promotion. Plus, his website is a pain in the ass to navigate and slows down my piece of shit computer, which forces me to spend more time looking at pictures of him, which further upsets me. Need other reasons? He is signed to Starbucks' record label. Yes, that Starbucks. The terrible symmetry of this marriage is self-evident.

But the other day I though that Macca looks alot like a grizzled, older K.D. Lang. Check it out:

and...

18-1. Choke on it, you dick.

That was easily the best superbowl I have ever seen and likely the best ever. When you combine all the threads- undefeated season on the line, the Pat's "unstoppable" offense, Eli's maturation into a bigtime qb (yes, I will say that now), a rematch of the last game of the season, how close it was throughout, 4th quarter lead changes, game winning drives, all of that- its tough to see how another superbowl tops this one.


And yeah, I know this is a cheap shot but its also so easy. I like Brady and think by the time he retires he could make a legitimate claim to being the game's best QB. But this post isnt about Brady, or the rest of the Pats players who regardless of everything else put together a hell of a season. Its about Belichick, an asshole of the highest caliber. If its not forcing players with concussions to go full contact in practice, cheating, acting like a petulant shit when one of his coaches leaves (gasp!) to take a head coaching job, or rudely shoving a cameraman, (this guy chronicles a few more of Belichick's nicer moments) its leaving the field when the game lays unfinished. A classy move by a classy man. Losing the Superbowl and fucking up the perfect season couldnt have happened to a nicer guy.

My schadenfreude is tempered by the fact that I have to look forward to about a week of hearing that sentimental dipshit Mercury Morris run his mouth. Please. Get back on the golf course, relax, age gracefully, and try not to be so transparently bitter.

I'm Archie Manning, and I Am Super Dad!!!!!

my sperm is like gold encrusted diamonds on a watch made of titanium jesus testicles...my sons fucking rock!!!! i was not very good so i live vicariously through them...fuck yeah!!!

P.S.-bill simmons, i hope you are curled up in the fetal position, you douche bag

P.S.S.-not my words, but just as sweet (hat tip: chamomiles davis from deadspin)

Peyton Manning - beats Patriots in AFC Championship; wins Super Bowl XLI
Eli Manning - beats Patriots to win Super Bowl XLII; wins MVP
Mannings vs. Boston - who owns whom?

the mobile leprechaun

This is awesome on so many levels. I love the sketch of the alleged leprechaun, the astute observation that its maybe just a crackhead, the guy with the camo and the flute, and on and on and on. I would give the producer of this story some type of award. But given the historical tension between the black and leprechaun communities, these witnesses should be running for their lives...

More Top Gun deleted scenes

The maulana is right- tom cruise’s reputation, if not his career, is taking a swan dive into the shitter. The creepy scientology videos, the secrecy, the gradual transformation of once-sexy katie holmes into a taller, more masculine version of tom cruise, etc… This he can recover from. But the exclusive material that dudeweekend has obtained over the past few days puts his entire career into question. So here, direct from Paramount Pictures most secret vaults, is more of the original top gun dialogue and, for the first time, a still that was cut from the original version.

SCENE

[a nondescript hangar, shortly before a scheduled air combat “hop”]

Maverick: “I fly million dollar airplanes, and they can’t do something about this heat? I poured about a pound of Gold Bond down the front and back of my flight suit this morning, and it didn’t do a thing.”

Goose: “fuck this, it feels like we are in the Gobi desert- I’m getting a rash…”

Maverick: “Check out Iceman over there…he looks so fresh and comfortable. How does he do it? Man I hate that guy.”

Goose: “You know what’s not sexy? These sweat stains on the asscrack of my flight suit.”

Maverick: “Wait, why are you wearing a polo shirt and carrying a briefcase?”

SCENE

[Iceman confronts Maverick in a tense locker room encounter]

Iceman: “what the fuck! I walk in to the locker room and find my RIO fooling around with someone else? He sits in MY backseat for a reason!”

Busted, Slider looks on sheepishy while using the towel to clean off

Maverick: “Wait, Kaczinsky, I didn’t…we werent”

Iceman interrupts Maverick

Iceman: “Fuck you Mav- you’ve got a reputation, and I know how you operate. He was trying you on like a new baseball glove!”

Maverick gets in Iceman’s face, shaking his fist in anger

Maverick: “OK! So what if I was? All that shirtless flexing during volleyball…mmm… can you blame me? I like bears, ok! My backseater wore sweatpants. It looked like he was ready to do Jazzercise, not hit the showers.”

In the background Goose enthusiastically sings a few lines of Kenny Loggin’s “Playin with the Boys”

Goose: “Knock, knock, knockin on wood/ Bodies workin’ overtime/ Man against man”

Slider: “anyone seen my watch?”

This is the screen test from the guy who was originally slated to play the role of Kelly McGillis. A producer’s note obtained by dudeweekend says that he should be cut because of the spiderweb tattoo on his shoulder. They thought it was “too gay.”

Give me a break

Are you fucking kidding me? Is this really an issue for Congress to be concerning themselves with? The last thing they need to be concerning themselves with is a fucking issue that the NFL dealt with promptly and appropriately 5 MONTHS AGO!

The dog and pony shows in Congress really need to stop. Seriously, how does this even fall under their realm of remotely fucking important compared with other stuff like, oh, war, protection of civil liberties, blah, blah, blah. The steriods thing kind of makes sense considering they are illegal substances under US law, but that is still a situation where Congress is unnecessarily inserting themselves.

However, this comment really takes the cake and has my bloodpressure going this morning:

"That requires an explanation," Specter told The Times. "The NFL has a very preferred status in our country with their antitrust exemption. The American people are entitled to be sure about the integrity of the game. It's analogous to the CIA destruction of tapes, or any time you have records destroyed."

Seriously? This is the same as the CIA destroying tapes that relate to national security and the protection of human rights? FUCK YOU!

With all due respect Senator Spector, it may be time for you to retire and pass America's future to someone who understands the importance of the office you hold.

Favorite New Band

I saw these guys last night for the second time. It was a kickass show. Check out a couple of their tracks on Myspace.

welcome to costco, i love you

if there is one thing stan wolansky knows, its fiscal and monetary policy. This 1/2 point rate cut strikes me as panicky, exactly the kind of thing that inspires confidence.


Hey America! (stimulus) package for you!

Update! 17,000wned.